The Trader Ma'jhad

5 posts / 0 new
Last post
MattTheBagel's picture
MattTheBagel
Joined:
2016-06-06 21:00
Last seen:
7 years 4 months ago

Hello, Upon viewing the TR forums for awhile, I think registering an account, and publishing one of my Flavor Text books will help me get better at writing (With the help of constructive criticism, etc), and maybe the final can make it in TR. The book is about a Khajiiti trader, Ma’jhad, and a thief. 

Any comments and feedback that will improve the story is appreciated.

(maybe this book can be a skill book for mercantile?)

The Trader Ma’jhad
By: (Who/what race/person should write this?)

   In a faraway land, below two moons, lay Dune. The city-state of Dune had a growing economy full of budding merchants and sharp swords-for-hire. Among these merchants was Ma'jhad, the Khajiit trader. Ma'jhad managed his stand in the plaza of Dune, selling precious odds and ends, attracting new customers every day. He grew prosperous and wealthy, and bought a nice manor in town. Some admired the wealthy trader, but some grew jealous of his full pockets. 

   Every night, Ma'jhad would lock his stand, and head off to his manor for rest. However, one night, when only the faint light of Masser and Secunda lit the streets, a shadow snuck out from the darkness. The shadow wielded his trusty, and notably rusty lockpick. Together, they cracked the lock to Ma'jhad's stand. The shadow laughed silently, and when the moons almost set, he crept away.

   The mighty sun rose, and with it rose the citizens of Dune, including the trader, Ma'jhad. The khajiit walked to his stand, and saw that what he most feared had come to pass. His stand lay unlocked, and all of his stock was gone. His safebox too, – gone. Ma'jhad let out a faint cry. He then reported to the guard. As much as he pleaded, the guard refused to help, and claimed they had their hands full with other “more-important” reports of thievery. The city-state of Dune, land of the two-moons, was falling prone to corruption. He soon realized he’d have to take matters into his own hands.

   Ma'jhad brooded in his home for a week, putting together his plan to catch the thief that he so despised. He would stock his stand with gold and treasure, and leave only a poor lock as defense. He would then hide behind a bush, and lie in wait for the thief’s return. 

  That dark night, The Trader Ma'jhad took action. Lying behind the bush, he watched for the culprit. He waited for hours, only to see that the moons have almost set. Just when Ma'jhad was about to give up, he saw his quarry. The same shadowy figure he saw the past week crept to the marketplace stand, and began tinkering with the lock. Ma'jhad had brought his brand new shiny dagger, and was about to unleash it from its sheath for the first time. He ran to his stand, unsheathed the dagger, and stabbed the shadowy figure in the back. The vandal now lay on the sandy-cobble ground, painting it red. Ma'jhad let the poor fool bleed out, and didn't even bother to retrieve his lost gold. He just wanted revenge, and revenge was what he got.

   The cold, shadowy figure lay dead on the red sand. Ma’jhad began to wonder, who was this shadowy figure? Did he entail the corruption of the Dune Marketplace? Ma’jhad grew tired, and finally dragged the suspicious body into his manor. After the work had been done, the trader Ma’jhad fell victim of the moons tiresome gaze, and fell asleep.

   The mighty sun rose again, including the trader Ma’jhad. As soon as he arose, he ran to the Dune Guards. He offered a solution to the corruption of Dune and its economy. Evidence. Ma’jhad had killed one of the corruptors, and the guard would investigate the body for clues of the source of this vile corruption. Ma’jhad thought of his career whilst the guards worked. He hoped with the evidence, he could restore the trade-city of Dune to its former glory, and rid it of the thieves that lay within.

  Ma’jhad curiously visited the guard, asking if any clues had risen. Suprisingly, Ma’jhad was told that this corruption was work of the notorious Thieves Guild. Ma’jhad was shocked when he heard this, and thought back to the tales his father had told him. He, too, was a merchant like Ma’jhad. And he told his child of the villainous Thieves Guild. A group of evil, soulless creatures who stole from the merchants of Dune. All merchants feared this group, he said. Ma’jhad thought that was just a myth, told to weary merchants to scare them. 

  Meanwhile, in the marketplace of Dune, merchants lay vulnerable. For all feared the infamous Thieves Guild. Yet, Moons came and gone, and with them came increased security. More guards were hired, and the people of Dune began to feel more safe. Thief activity declined, and Ma’jhad wondered if the  notorious Thieves Guild was actually real, or if it was all just a myth. 

  With the trade-city back to its former glory, Ma’jhad soon gained reputation as saving the traders of Dune, and even decided to start his own guild. New and old merchants alike would all be one and be able to maintain a healthy trade-environment in Ma’jhad’s Guild Of Trade. Till this day, they say Ma’jhad’s Guild Of Trade still stands tall today, and looks over the budding econmomy of Dune, and the land beneath the two moons.

jkulhavy's picture
jkulhavy
Joined:
2016-04-14 10:18
Last seen:
1 year 1 month ago

I’ll offer a few minor grammatical suggestions at the outset. The first sentence should read, “In a faraway land, between two moons, lay Dune.” I know it’s confusing to non-native speakers, but the past tense of “lies” is “lay.” Moving onward, may I suggest the following minor changes:

 Every night, Ma'jhad would lock his stand, and head off to his manor for rest. However, one night, when only the faint light of Masser and Secunda lit the streets, a shadow snuck out from the darkness. The shadow wielded his trusty, and notably rusty lockpick. Together, they cracked the lock to Ma'jhad's stand. The shadow laughed silently, and when the moons almost subsided set, he crept away.

   The mighty sun rose, and with it came rose the citizens of Dune, and especially including the trader, Ma'jhad. The khajiit walked to his stand, and was greeted with all that he has ever feared saw that what he most feared had come to pass. His stand lay unlocked, and all of his stock was gone. His safebox too, – gone. Ma'jhad let out a faint cry. He then reported to the guard. As much as he pleaded, the guard wouldn't budge. The guards won't refused to help, and he soon realized he’d have to take matters into his own hands. his hands full.

   Ma'jhad later dwelled brooded in his home for the a week, putting together his plan to catch the thief that he so despised. He decided that he would restore stock his stand with gold and treasure, and leave only a poor lock as defense. He would then hide behind a bush, and look lie in wait for the thief’s return vandal.

Lying behind the bush, he watched for the culprit. He spent waited for hours, only to see that the moons had almost subsided set. Just when Ma'jhad was about to give up, he saw it his quarry. The shadowy figure crept to the marketplace stand, and began tinkering with the lock. Ma'jhad had brought his brand new shiny dagger, and was just about to unleash it from its sheathe sheath for the first time. He ran to his stand, unsheathed the dagger, and punctured stabbed the shadowy figure in the back. The vandal now layed lay on the sandy-cobble ground, painting the it red. Ma'jhad let the poor fool bleed out, and didn't even care for retrieving bother to retrieve his lost gold. He just wanted revenge, and revenge was what he got.

As revenge stories go, it’s a bit sparse. Among other unanswered questions – what exactly does Ma’jhad sell at his stand? We know that it was stocked with “gold and treasure” but that’s frankly a little vague. I’m also puzzled by the overtly unhelpful city guards. Is the city lawless? Do merchants have to pay protection money to a corrupt city official in order to get any sort of effective policing? Is the City State of Dune an unpleasant place to live, or is the merchant district in turmoil?

And what about the thief? Was Ma’jhad genuinely uncurious about the identity of the person who robbed him? How can he even be sure that he wasn’t victimized by two different thieves – the first being an adept lockpick, and the second being attracted by Ma’jhad’s (intentionally) shoddy security measures? Maybe the first thief (the legendary “shadow” who almost seems to be merged as one with his trusty and rusty lockpick) is still roaming at large.

I don’t have any particular criticism of the otherworldly setting of the story; I’m willing to suspend disbelief and accept that the notoriously superstitious and myth-ridden Kajiit might tell themselves ancient tales of a fabulous land “between two moons.” In fact, such a setting might inspire a whole cycle of tall tales and characters. But I think this story could be improved by a bit of fleshing out.

MattTheBagel's picture
MattTheBagel
Joined:
2016-06-06 21:00
Last seen:
7 years 4 months ago

I do like your edits, and I believe they make the story much better, thank you! About your advice, I believe you are right. The story could definitely use some fleshing out. Maybe the guards are just busy? But instead of a bland excuse like that, maybe they are busy dealing with other reports of thievery as well? The city of Dune could be in a situation where the thieves guild is arising and stealing from the rich (hence why the guards are busy with all the reports of rich-merchants being pickpocketed, etc.). I have edited the story to include all your grammatical fixes, and I will start fleshing the story out. Thank you for the feedback.

edit: I have edited the story and fleshed it out more, with a proper ending.

My instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elder_scrolls_page/
My Nexus Profile: MatthewTheBagel

jkulhavy's picture
jkulhavy
Joined:
2016-04-14 10:18
Last seen:
1 year 1 month ago

I like how you’ve expanded the story!

Kevaar's picture
Kevaar
Developer EmeritusQuest Developer
Joined:
2016-01-19 19:35
Last seen:
1 year 6 months ago

Transferred to asset browser. Author has responded to and incorporated suggested edits.

Topic locked