edAptra's Showcase

Post by **Gnomey** » Thu Jun 01, 2006 2:09 pm

I have searched the surrounding area but can find no sign of the majestic beast

I must also write that the remains of a horse were just behind me.

Much better, but these could use some patching up.

EdAptra · Post by **EdAptra** » Fri Jun 02, 2006 7:43 pm

changed...

12th Frostfall, Morndas

I am not Sader, I am someone else. The last few daysÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ I have travelled to this god-forsaken place. I have been sent by my master, Dangor to find a lost friend of his. Although if it were me, I would be more concerned about that lovely horse i spent half my life raising! I have searched the surrounding area but can find no sign of it. Anyway, the Bosmer are renowned for their friendship and Dangor was worried about this Sader. It is with great regret that I must now write that Sader is dead. I came across his body today after following a trail deep into the woods. After reading through this journel I must say that everything Sader has written here must be wrong. I am willing to bet my life that he was murdered by that evil monster of a centaur. He was probably murdered by that Ã¢â‚¬Å“greatÃ¢â‚¬Â weapon he speaks of. Never again will these foul monsters be given the chance of being accepted into society. No, I will spread the word from this diary telling the story of a poor young man, delirious when writing this, murdered by an evil beast of the wilds.

Post by **Gnomey** » Sat Jun 03, 2006 4:50 am

There, you have passed my reviews.

Nanu · Post by **Nanu** » Sat Jun 03, 2006 5:36 am

EdAptra · Post by **EdAptra** » Sat Jun 03, 2006 4:46 pm

Thank You Gnomey and Nanu Ra for your help. Here is the las paragraph re-written taking most of Nau Ra's advice..

I am not Sader. I am a servent to Dangor the Bosmer, who sent me here to find a lost friend of his. I have come to this god-forsaken place for that reason. The Bosmer have deep respect for their closest friends and it is that reason that Dangor sent me here to look for Sader.

Sader is dead. I chanced upon his corpse while scouting the area for any signs of him. After I read through this poor souls' journal, I believe that all that Sader wrote was wrong, very wrong.

I suppose that Sader was slain by the evil monster of a centaur that he spoke of. No doubt that the so-called 'great' weapon was his downfall. Poor thing, he was probably butchered in his sleep by that coward of a monster.

I always new that centaurs were evil and dangerous, this small chance they had of amending their ways and gaining respect has gone. I swear that those foul monsters will never again be given the chance of being accepted into our culture. I will tell the tale contained within these pages, the tale of a poor young man, delirious while writing, butchered by an evil beast of the wilds.

Nanu · Post by **Nanu** » Sat Jun 03, 2006 5:24 pm

You're welcome. Do you have any other interests in the project?

Post by **Haplo** » Sun Jun 04, 2006 11:51 pm

Nice stories, although I suggest you run them through Microsoft Word spellchecker (and grammar) before you post them here. MS Word can catch a lot of careless mistakes in even the most meticulously examined papers

Nanu · Post by **Nanu** » Mon Jun 05, 2006 4:38 am

MS Word can catch a lot of careless mistakes in even the most meticulously examined papers

Saved me a bunch of times.

EdAptra · Post by **EdAptra** » Mon Jun 05, 2006 6:00 pm

Thanks Haplo, I went through them in Ms word and there were a few grammer problems that ive gone back and changed.

Nanu Ra - i tried interiors before but i wasn't that good.

Xui'al · Post by **Xui'al** » Tue Jun 06, 2006 4:16 am

[url=http://tamriel-rebuilt.org/old_forum/viewtopic.php?t=15420]Stalker has a good sticky for interiors.[/url] Give it a try, it isn't that hard.

EdAptra · Post by **EdAptra** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 5:48 pm

one last book..

The Sword Singers
A brief history by Charon Nistac

This book is based on a series of notes collected from different people

The Sword Singers are an elusive and secret group of gifted swordsman. There have been many attempts to try and trace them but those who have returned from expeditions into the great deserts of AlikÃ¢â‚¬â„¢r have said something different each time. Some say that they no longer exist; others say that they are now nomads who steal and plunder any person foolhardy enough to venture in their lands. There are even those who say they fight as mercenaries and if paid fight alongside armies and men. The closest anyone has come to prove that the Sword Singers are out there was an explorer I had the honour of befriending. Alas he is no longer with us but he returned with shards of steel bearing inscriptions of ancient texture. No doubt there were once the blade of a sword. However, they were not always like this. Many years ago there were a common sight in what is now Hammerfell, as this description proves.

Many hundreds of years ago those born with remarkable ability when using a sword were enlisted by desert people to train and fight alongside them. These gifted people would eventually turn into the greatest swordsman of all. The first of these groups of people built Ã¢â‚¬Å“The Hall of the Virtues of WarÃ¢â‚¬Â a great training hall where duels and forging took place. Those who became the greatest of great swordsman became known as the ANSEI. It is said that these people left the original hall and travelled setting up their own schools.

Throughout their training the Sword Singers learnt some great things but none more than the power to harness a Spirit Sword. Through vigorous training and dedication to the gods of war the power of creating a spirit sword was theirs. All it needed was a strong mind and by just picturing a sword in your mind, it would be made in your hands. Once it was yours no-one could take it away. At least without taking its owners mind.

Despite all this the amount of gifted children dwindled, which is why the Sword Singers have always been so few these days. It is said that an army of one Sword Singer could defeat an Army of many a normal man. Perhaps we may see this feat one day.

Post by **Haplo** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 7:00 pm

It's good, it's just too informal in style. Basically it reads like something someone says in a normal post. Try and make it sound more formal. MS Word has an option for spellcheck that allows you to choose whether it treats the document as an informal writing, a formal writing, or other types of writings. It's really handy for some folks. I suggest giving that thing a shot. You'd be surprised how much you can learn from it, even if it is from Microsoft...

EdAptra · Post by **EdAptra** » Thu Jul 13, 2006 8:33 am

Here is a revised version

The Sword Singers
A brief history by Charon Nistac

This book is based on a series of notes collected from different people

Since the beginnings of the Second Era, an organization of gifted people has existed and still possibly lives today. The Sword Singers are an elusive and secret group of gifted swordsman. They changed the way of fighting, as they possessed a great ability when a sword was by their side and enemies approaching them. The legendary skills they possess have provoked many explorers and adventures to try to trace them but those who have returned from expeditions into the great deserts of AlikÃ¢â‚¬â„¢r have said something that contradicts the other each time. Some say that they now cease to exist; others say that they are now nomads who steal and plunder from any person foolhardy enough to venture in their lands. Even rumours saying that they fight as mercenaries fight alongside armies and men. This may or may not be true. The closest anyone has come to demonstrate that the Sword Singers are out there was an explorer I had the honour of befriending. Alas, he is no longer with us but he returned with shards of steel bearing inscriptions of ancient texture. It is conceivable that they were once the blade of a sword. My inquiring mind brought me to his house where I was shown maps of the regions he scouted. The shards were discovered near the remains of an ancient Sword Singer site, a rare place these days. However, they were not always like this. Many years ago, they were a widespread sight in what is now Hammerfell, as this description proves:

Many hundreds of years ago, those born with remarkable capability when using a sword were enlisted by desert people to train and fight alongside them. These gifted people would eventually become the greatest swordsman of all. The first of these groups of people built Ã¢â‚¬Å“The Hall of the Virtues of WarÃ¢â‚¬Â a great training hall where duels and forging took place. Those who developed into the greatest of great swordsman materialized as the ANSEI. The Ansei were immortalized amongst the others who dreamed of reaching that great achievemnet. It is said that the Ansei departed the original hall and travelled across the forsaken lands setting up their own schools.

Throughout their training, the Sword Singers learnt some great things but nothing more prized than the power to harness a Spirit Sword. Through vigorous training and dedication to the gods of war, the power of creating a spirit sword was theirs. All it needed was a strong mind and by just picturing a sword in your mind, a blade of colossal power was formed in their hands. Once the Sword Singer possessed this enchanted weapon, no one could wield it apart form its owner, at least without taking its owners mind with it.

Despite all this, the amount of gifted children dwindled, resulting the catastrophic decline of the Sword Singers. Some are born with great powers just as centuries ago. Except now, the armies of Hammerfell enlist them from an early age and not the ever-dwindling Sword Singers. It is said that an army of one Sword Singer could defeat an Army of many a normal man. Perhaps we may see this feat one day.

EdAptra · Post by **EdAptra** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 5:38 pm

This is using the Style that Haplo suggested earlier. I tried changing the words and order of some of the things to make it sound more formal.

EdAptra · Post by **EdAptra** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 9:09 am

Bump..

Post by **Haplo** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 5:31 pm

EdAptra · Post by **EdAptra** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 7:10 pm

Thanks Haplo.

That might be kinda hard seeing as my computer has been completly rebuilt due to a problem. I lost all my files that i had done ages ago, so until i get it back im stuck on a laptop which is not powerful enough to run Morrowind let alone oblivion.

Ps. I used catastrophic as that was a good way to describe the amount of swordsingers left now than compared to the times when they were first around as the passage says.

Nanu · Post by **Nanu** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 8:21 pm

H'm, seems I was wrong about you.

Good job on the story.

DiegoDraw · Post by **DiegoDraw** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 9:39 pm

I like the stories that you write. They could, however, be "spiced up" a bit. Not saying they were boring by any means, but expand the vocabulary a bit; it'll make the story sound much less redundant. That's my only tip left, seeing as you've seemed to take care of most of the other problems.

~D-Draw

EdAptra · Post by **EdAptra** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 8:39 am

Thanks Nanu Ra

DiegoDraw: once i manage to get promoted i aim to write books so i will be able to spend much more time concentrating on big serious pieces. Which will expand more than these pieces i have done for the showcase

sirwootalot123 · Post by **sirwootalot123** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 9:05 am

Promote him already!
Love your work, but the only issue is a lack of foppish and elegantly frilly vocabulary... nothing a few edits by the lit. mods can't fix.

EdAptra · Post by **EdAptra** » Mon Jul 31, 2006 3:06 pm

Thanks, again when i write properly for TR, more time will be spent on correcting the vocabulary my writing.

Xui'al · Post by **Xui'al** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 1:29 am

sirwootalot123 wrote:Promote him already!
Love your work, but the only issue is a lack of foppish and elegantly frilly vocabulary.

It doesn't need to be that way. Look at works like The Art of War and Candide, both of which are plain and simple in their respective writing style. However, I should point out that foppish and frilly vocab does sound nice, just not everything needs to be that way. (On a side note, your use of adjectives is astounding, Sirwoot, in your book. Also, my use of commas in this post is hideous.

)

I know we decided early on to not promote often in case of literature, but edAptra has proven himself willing, worthy and a skilled writer. I'd like to see him promoted.

Dexter · Post by **Dexter** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 1:02 pm

Well then, promoted.

EdAptra · Post by **EdAptra** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 3:17 pm

Thanks guys

time to get some writing done!