Until the River Runs Red
Birard Erelie
Explain this to me.†said Lucian, holding back a wave of laughter. “Exactly when did you completely lose your mind?â€Â
“I’m telling you this is it. This is our chance take back what is rightfully ours!†Haniel insisted.
“It’s suicide Haniel! I won’t let you kill me like you killed Herger.†stammered Brandr.
The memory of the battle at Farrun was still fresh in Haniel’s mind. Even after all these years, the pain of it struck him like a mace. Herger was his friend; they all were his friends - and he led them to their deaths. If only he had anticipated his brother’s return, perhaps things would have been different. Meniell’s betrayal was not unforseen, but his sudden return from the grave had been. Regardless, Haniel would not be taken by surprise again. All the variables in his plan were accounted for. He would not fail a second time.
“It’s not impossible!†argued Haniel.
“Oh, yes it is. Even if we managed to get inside and reach the vault, providing of course that we could open the door once we got there, we would never make it out of the castle alive.†stated Brandr.
“But if we could?â€Â
“Alright, let's say that we could, what then? Lord Amedee would have an army at our heels even before we reached the river. Seven men against an army, that’s insane. I’ve known you a long time Haniel, and even you’re not that crazy.â€Â
“With the right plan we could . . .â€Â
“Get a grip Haniel, what kind of plan could get us through that?†Lucian said incredulously.
“My plan.â€Â
. . .
The time had came to take action. Haniel and Nibarr had spent the past two weeks observing the castle, learning when shifts changed in order to plot the best point of entry. Seva had tediously studied the layout of the fortress, selecting the path of least resistance both to and from the vault. Brandr, Lucian, and Irgo set up what they hoped would be their salvation. And Filidros went to the market and spent more money than he would have liked.
The night came and they waited. When the guard began to drift off, Haniel and Seva moved quietly to the eastern wall, threw up a grappling, and began to climb. The guard on the wall entered the southwest tower, and Haniel prayed that the three minute gap between shifts he had witnessed so many times would once again occur. They reached the top and dropped down into the courtyard on the other side, just as the first guard’s replacement exited the tower. So far everything had gone according to plan, but the hard part was yet to come.
The guard outside the castle had changed shifts as well, and his replacement was wide awake. Nibarr drew back on his bow and released. The guard dropped to his knees, then fell face-forward without a sound. Carrying out their roles in Haniel's plan, Lucian and Nibarr hurried themselves to the main gate and began setting up explosives.
“Do you really think this is going to work?†questioned Nibarr.
“No, I think we’re all going to die. But at least we’ve saved Lord Amedee the trouble of digging our graves.†replied Lucian, hiding his fear behind a half-hearted smile.
“It’s an ingenious plan really.†he continued. “Haniel is a brilliant man, but everyone makes mistakes.â€Â
“So you think this is a mistake?â€Â
“Maybe not, but when I think of what the outcome of this might be, it fills me with a terror that I find all too familiar.â€Â
His smile had faded now and there was a seriousness in his eyes that Nibarr had never before seen.
“Tell me about Farrun, Lucian.†said Nibarr quietly, as though he feared being heard. “Why does the very mention of it seem to darken the sun?â€Â
“It was vengeance, plain and simple. Something was stolen from Haniel and he wanted it back. Of course, we wanted to help him get it.†Lucian rose to his feet and spoke slowly as he walked back toward the trees. “We nearly had them beaten, and then the sun rose.â€Â
“But what happened then? What happened at sunrise?†Nibarr cried, following after Lucian.
Haniel and Seva made their way through the monolithic courtyard to the northern tower. Once inside, they were forced to rethink their approach. A wall had been erected where the entry to the staircase had once been. It was apparent that the change was not recent, their maps had simply been outdated. But who was to say how many more obstacles they would have to cross between here and the vault?
Haniel turned around quickly, drawing his sword. The footsteps seemed to have manifested out of thin air. For though it sounded like they were right behind him, there was no one about. Still, he felt uneasy. His mind began racing, he struggled to think what the noise could have been. Whatever it was, he certainly hadn’t planned for it. It was an unknown variable in the equation that was his master plot; and he knew that if they were to succeed, he would have to discover what force moved behind the scenes.
Haniel proceeded cautiously into the darkened corridor. After some time, he began to hear the footsteps moving steadily away from him. As he closed in, they halted, and then broke into a run. Haniel gave chase. Now that the stranger knew he was being followed, he could not be allowed to escape. As he came around the final corner the footsteps halted. They were in the dining hall, and Haniel blocked the only exit. As he moved forward he could see the female stranger pressed against the far wall, her fear pierced the darkness like sunlight when she spoke.
“Haniel please, forgive me.â€Â
The words destroyed him. Old wounds seemed to open, and his heart fell to dust as they thundered through his ears. He drew his blade and moved toward her. She dropped to the floor cowering in terror, and again her voice attacked him.
“I never wanted to harm you, you don’t know how hard it was for me. Please Haniel, do not do this.†she pleaded.
“Do not dare speak to me! I will not listen to your lies!†screamed Haniel.
“I had no choice, Lord Verick gave me his word that he would let you live. I would rather see you in chains than watch you die.â€Â
“So you betrayed me out of love? What more noble cause could there be? I forgive you Lielle, you were not to blame.†mocked Haniel, though sounding sincere. “It was I who faltered. I made one mistake after another. I should have killed you when we first met. You were a servant of the man who stole my life, and I was seeking only revenge. I let my heart interfere, a mistake which I will never make again. One day I will finish what I started, and unlike your master, I don’t leave loose ends.â€Â
Haniel lifted her to her feet and held her close to him. Again she pleaded, begging for mercy.
“Please Haniel, please forgive me. I would take it all back if I could. I didn’t want to hurt you, please.†tears ran down her face as she spoke. “Please, I don’t want to die.â€Â
“I’m sorry.†he whispered, plunging his dagger through her heart.
Haniel ran through the halls of the castle, making his way to the vault. This detour had wasted valuable time, he only hoped Seva had not encountered any difficulties. When he arrived at the vault he heard voices. Leaning around the corner he saw Seva and one of the castle guards sharing a drink. They were laughing, and Seva was acting far more feminine than usual. After several minutes the guard passed out. It was time to open the door. Neither Haniel nor Seva were proficient at picking locks. Fortunately, Haniel had the key.
“Where did you get that?†asked Seva.
“I ran into an old friend, she was kind enough to lend it to me.†he replied curtly.
With the door open, they proceeded to search through the vast piles of gold and trinkets. Haniel found a chest amongst a stack of old papers and used the key to open it. Inside was a rusted silver locket and a worn book.
“Come Seva, it’s time to go.†said Haniel as he moved toward the door.
“Go? What about all this gold? How will we be set for life if we leave all the spoils behind?â€Â
“I have all this and more in the palm of my hand.â€Â
“What do mean?†she asked, following him out into the hallway.
“Eleven years ago, I was falsely accused of treason against the Empire. My father, however, was the one guilty of the crime. This is the journal that he kept for the better part of forty years; and in it, he described the location of a hidden chamber. It was in this chamber that he placed all the riches he held back from the tax collections. He was a greedy old bastard, but he knew how to cover his tracks.â€Â
“So we came all this way to find a clue?â€Â
“Yes.â€Â
They continued through the corridors to the courtyard, and from there they entered the gatehouse. When the gate opened, it did not go unheard. The courtyard was flooded with soldiers as Haniel and Seva fled. Lucian had been waiting for this moment, and drew back the string of his bow. As the soldiers filed through the open gate, he let a burning arrow fly. It struck one of the barrels that he and Nibarr had placed near the gate and the explosion devastated Amedee’s troops.
As they moved down the path to the river, many of the surviving soldiers fell victim to Haniel’s traps. If all went according to plan, they would be few enough in number by the time they reached the river for Haniel and the others to defeat them. But spike traps and falling logs would not save Haniel from the one thing he had overlooked. Lielle served Lord Verick and yet she was here. This should have been enough warning, but blinded as he was by hatred he missed it. He had failed again, but this time there was no escape.
Lord Amedee’s forces, supplemented by Lord Verick’s troops, reached the river. The battle raged, and Filidros was the first to fall. Filidros the Wood Elf, who would never again see his dear sister. She would never see her brother, and she would never know his fate. Then Irgo, who's love was the sea. He would never have his own ship, nor would he sail another's.
As his comrades fell around him, Haniel remembered the others. Orvas, Herger, Tumse, Jonah, Gaeleg, and all the others. He had failed them all. Now he would join them. He looked on helpless as Seva fell bleeding to the ground. Nibarr lay dead, and soon Brandr lay beside him. It was Haniell and Lucian now, just as it had been before. They alone escaped the battle at Farrun. No one can escape death twice. And so they fell together, defeated at last.
Until the River Runs Red [Awaiting Saibot]
Moderators: Haplo, Lead Developers
Until the River Runs Red [Awaiting Saibot]
Last edited by Saibot on Wed Oct 04, 2006 9:48 pm, edited 17 times in total.
This book is not ready for BoT. There are still errors in it. Very noticeable errors. Generally when you feel it's ready, you should say something like 'It seems ready to me' and then ask the author if they feel it's ready. In the very same post, you should also mention something about waiting for someone else to come by (probably Xui'al or Jannifer) to give it a final glanceover.
And when you move something to Finished, don't lock it until it's been added, please. That way when people find mistakes you've missed they don't have to PM an administrator or moderator to unlock and/or move it back. Thanks.
And when you move something to Finished, don't lock it until it's been added, please. That way when people find mistakes you've missed they don't have to PM an administrator or moderator to unlock and/or move it back. Thanks.
Forum Administrator & Data Files Manager
[06/19/2012 04:15AM] +Cat table stabbing is apparently a really popular sport in morrowind
[August 29, 2014 04:05PM] <+Katze> I am writing an IRC bot! :O
[August 29, 2014 04:25PM] *** Katze has quit IRC: Z-Lined
[06/19/2012 04:15AM] +Cat table stabbing is apparently a really popular sport in morrowind
[August 29, 2014 04:05PM] <+Katze> I am writing an IRC bot! :O
[August 29, 2014 04:25PM] *** Katze has quit IRC: Z-Lined
Saibot,
Below is my proposed edit for your book. Suggestions or reworkings are in bold, my comments/questions are in purple, and actual corrections are in red.
Until the River Runs Red
Birard Erelie
"Explain this to me,†said Lucian, holding back a wave of laughter. “Exactly when did you completely lose your mind?â€Â
“I’m telling you this is it. This is our chance take back what is rightfully ours!" Haniel insisted.
Brandr sputtered, “It’s suicide, Haniel! I won’t let you kill me like you killed Herger.â€Â
The memory of the battle at Farrun was still fresh in Haniel’s mind. Even after all these years, the pain of it struck him like a mace. Herger had been his friend--they all were his friends--and he led them to their deaths. If only he had anticipated his brother’s return, perhaps things would have been different. Meniell’s betrayal was not unforseen, but his sudden return from the grave had been. Regardless, Haniel would not be taken by surprise again. His plan accounted for all the possible variables. He would not fail a second time.
“It’s not impossible!†argued Haniel.
“Oh, yes it is," Brandr stated flatly. "Even if we managed to get inside and reach the vault, provided of course that we could open the door once we got there, we would never make it out of the castle alive.â€Â
“But if we could?â€Â
“Alright, let's say that we could. What then? Lord Amedee would have an army at our heels even before we reached the river. Seven men against an army, that’s insane. I’ve known you a long time, Haniel, and even you are not that crazy.â€Â
“With the right plan we could...â€Â
“Get a grip, Haniel, what kind of plan could get us through that?†Lucian demanded incredulously.
“My plan.â€Â
****
Haniel and Nibarr had spent the past two weeks observing the castle, learning when shifts changed in order to find the best point of entry. Seva had carefully studied the layout of the fortress, selecting the path of least resistance both to and from the vault. Brandr, Lucian, and Irgo set up what they hoped would be their salvation. And, Filidros went to the market and spent more money than he would have liked.
The night came, and they waited. When the guard {Just one guard?} began to drift off, Haniel and Seva moved quietly to the eastern wall, threw up a grappling hook, and began to climb. The guard on the wall entered the southwest tower, and Haniel prayed that the three minute gap between shifts he had witnessed so many times would hold true. They reached the top and dropped down into the courtyard just as the first guard’s replacement exited the tower. So far everything had gone according to plan, but the hardest part was yet to come.
The replacement for the guard outside the castle was wide awake. Nibarr drew back his bowstring and released. The guard dropped to his knees, then fell face-forward without a sound. Lucian and Nibarr hurried up to the main gate and began setting up explosives.
“Do you really think this is going to work?†questioned Nibarr.
“No, I think we’re all going to die. But at least we’ve saved Lord Amedee the trouble of digging our graves,†replied Lucian, hiding his fear behind a half-hearted smile. “It’s an ingenious plan really,†he continued. “Haniel is a brilliant man, but everyone makes mistakes.â€Â
“So you think this is a mistake?â€Â
“Maybe not, but when I think of what the outcome of this might be, I am terrified.†Lucian's smile had faded and there was a seriousness in his eyes that Nibarr had never before seen.
“Tell me about Farrun, Lucian,†said Nibarr quietly. “Why does the very mention of it seem to darken the sun?â€Â
“It was vengeance, plain and simple. Something was stolen from Haniel, and he wanted it back. Of course, we wanted to help him get it.†Lucian rose to his feet and spoke slowly as he walked back toward the trees. “We nearly had them beaten, and then the sun rose.â€Â
“But what happened then? What happened at sunrise?†Nibarr demanded, following Lucian.
{I think you need to go ahead and explain what happened. The reader needs to understand why that battle torments Haniel so much.}
Haniel and Seva made their way across the huge courtyard to the northern tower. Once inside, they were forced to rethink their approach. The entry to the staircase they needed to take had been blocked up. It was apparent that the change was not recent, their maps had simply been outdated. Haniel and Seva felt uneasy. How many more unforeseen obstacles might they meet between here and the vault?
Haniel whipped around, drawing his sword. The footsteps seemed to have manifested out of thin air, and though it sounded like they were right behind him, there was no one there. Still, he felt uneasy. His mind raced, working out what the noise could have been. Whatever it was, he certainly hadn’t planned for it. It was an unknown variable in the equation that was his master plot, and he knew that if they were to succeed, he would have to decide on an alternate course quickly.
{In a world of invisibility potions and spells, would Haniel really have a lot of trouble figuring out what he'd heard and how to deal with it?}
Haniel proceeded cautiously into the darkened corridor. The footsteps now seemed to be moving steadily away from him. As he closed in, they halted, and then broke into a run. Haniel gave chase. Now that whoever it was knew he was being followed, he could not be allowed to escape. As Haniel came around the final corner, the footsteps halted. They were in the dining hall, and Haniel blocked the only exit. As he moved forward he could see a woman pressed against the far wall. Her fear pierced the darkness like a silver dagger when she spoke.
“Haniel, please forgive me,†Lielle whispered.
The words destroyed him. Old wounds opened, and his heart seemed to disintegrate into dust as the words thundered through his ears. He drew his blade and moved toward her. {Didn't he already have his sword out? Is this blade a sword, or something else?} She dropped to the floor, cowering in terror, and again her voice attacked him.
“I never wanted to harm you. You don’t know how hard it was for me. Please, Haniel, do not do this.†she pleaded.
“Do not speak to me! I will not listen to your lies!†growled Haniel. {I don't think he'd scream when he has to be stealthy. Survival takes precedence over everything else, and he doesn't seem to have a death wish.}
“I had no choice, Lord Verick gave me his word that he would let you live. I would rather have seen you in chains than watched you die.â€Â
“So you betrayed me out of love? What more noble cause could there be? I forgive you, Lielle, you were not to blame,†mocked Haniel. “It was I who faltered. I should have killed you when we first met. You served the man who stole my life, and I was seeking only revenge. Unlike your master, I don’t leave loose ends.â€Â
Haniel lifted her to her feet and held her close to him. Again she pleaded, begging for mercy.
“Please Haniel, please forgive me. I would take it all back if I could. I didn’t want to hurt you, please.†Tears ran down her face as she spoke. “Please, I don’t want to die.â€Â
“I’m sorry,†he whispered, plunging his dagger through her heart.
Haniel ran through the halls of the castle, making his way to the vault. This detour had wasted valuable time; he only hoped Seva had not encountered any difficulties. When he arrived at the vault, he heard voices. Leaning around the corner, he saw Seva and one of the castle guards sharing a drink. They were laughing, and Seva was being far more feminine than usual. After several minutes the guard passed out. It was time to open the door. Neither Haniel nor Seva were proficient at picking locks. Fortunately, Haniel had the key.
{How were they going to open the vault door?}
“Where did you get that?†asked Seva.
“I ran into an old friend, she was kind enough to lend it to me,†he replied curtly.
{It would be good to tell us when he gets the key. At least mention that he searched Lielle's body or took something out of her hand.}
With the door open, they proceeded to search through the vast piles of gold and trinkets. Haniel found a small chest amongst a stack of old papers and used the key to open it. Inside was a tarnished silver locket and a worn book.
“Come Seva, it’s time to go,†said Haniel as he moved toward the door.
“Go? What about all this gold? How will we be set for life if we leave all the spoils behind?â€Â
“I have all that and more in the palm of my hand.â€Â
“What do you mean?†she asked, following him out into the hallway.
“Eleven years ago, I was falsely accused of treason against the Empire. My father, however, was the one guilty of the crime. This is the journal that he kept for the better part of forty years, and in it he described the location of a hidden chamber where he stored all the riches he held back from the tax collections. He was a greedy old bastard, but he knew how to cover his tracks.â€Â
{The father kept a journal for 40 years, and it's all in one volume?}
“So we came all this way to find a clue?â€Â
“Yes.â€Â
They continued through the corridors to the courtyard and entered the gatehouse. When Haniel and Seva opened the gate, it did not go unnoticed, and the courtyard flooded with soldiers as they fled. Lucian had been waiting for this moment and drew back the string of his bow. As the soldiers poured through the open gate, he let a burning arrow fly. It struck one of the barrels that he and Nibarr had placed, and the explosion devastated Amedee’s troops.
As they fled down the path to the river, many of the surviving soldiers who followed them fell victim to Haniel’s traps. {Would be nice to know when he set these traps.] If all went according to plan, they would be few enough in number by the time they reached the river for Haniel and the others to defeat them. Suddenly, Haniel saw the one thing he'd overlooked in all his planning. Lielle served Lord Verick, and yet she was here. Her presence should have been enough warning, but blinded as he was by hatred, he missed it. He had failed again, but this time there was no escape.
Lord Amedee’s forces, supplemented by Lord Verick’s troops, reached the river. The fight raged, and Filidros was the first to fall. Filidros the Wood Elf would never again see his dear sister, and she would never know his fate. Then Irgo, whose love was the sea. He would never have his own ship, nor would he sail another's.
{It would be better, I think, to introduce these characters earlier. We could care more about them if we'd known them better.}
As his comrades fell around him, Haniel remembered the others--Orvas, Herger, Tumse, Jonah, Gaeleg--he had failed them all. Now, he would join them. He looked on helplessly as Seva fell bleeding to the ground. Nibarr lay dead, and soon Brandr lay beside him. It was Haniell and Lucian now, just as it had been before. They alone escaped the battle at Farrun. Very few escape death twice. They fell together, defeated at last.
Respectfully submitted,
Jannifer
Below is my proposed edit for your book. Suggestions or reworkings are in bold, my comments/questions are in purple, and actual corrections are in red.
Until the River Runs Red
Birard Erelie
"Explain this to me,†said Lucian, holding back a wave of laughter. “Exactly when did you completely lose your mind?â€Â
“I’m telling you this is it. This is our chance take back what is rightfully ours!" Haniel insisted.
Brandr sputtered, “It’s suicide, Haniel! I won’t let you kill me like you killed Herger.â€Â
The memory of the battle at Farrun was still fresh in Haniel’s mind. Even after all these years, the pain of it struck him like a mace. Herger had been his friend--they all were his friends--and he led them to their deaths. If only he had anticipated his brother’s return, perhaps things would have been different. Meniell’s betrayal was not unforseen, but his sudden return from the grave had been. Regardless, Haniel would not be taken by surprise again. His plan accounted for all the possible variables. He would not fail a second time.
“It’s not impossible!†argued Haniel.
“Oh, yes it is," Brandr stated flatly. "Even if we managed to get inside and reach the vault, provided of course that we could open the door once we got there, we would never make it out of the castle alive.â€Â
“But if we could?â€Â
“Alright, let's say that we could. What then? Lord Amedee would have an army at our heels even before we reached the river. Seven men against an army, that’s insane. I’ve known you a long time, Haniel, and even you are not that crazy.â€Â
“With the right plan we could...â€Â
“Get a grip, Haniel, what kind of plan could get us through that?†Lucian demanded incredulously.
“My plan.â€Â
****
Haniel and Nibarr had spent the past two weeks observing the castle, learning when shifts changed in order to find the best point of entry. Seva had carefully studied the layout of the fortress, selecting the path of least resistance both to and from the vault. Brandr, Lucian, and Irgo set up what they hoped would be their salvation. And, Filidros went to the market and spent more money than he would have liked.
The night came, and they waited. When the guard {Just one guard?} began to drift off, Haniel and Seva moved quietly to the eastern wall, threw up a grappling hook, and began to climb. The guard on the wall entered the southwest tower, and Haniel prayed that the three minute gap between shifts he had witnessed so many times would hold true. They reached the top and dropped down into the courtyard just as the first guard’s replacement exited the tower. So far everything had gone according to plan, but the hardest part was yet to come.
The replacement for the guard outside the castle was wide awake. Nibarr drew back his bowstring and released. The guard dropped to his knees, then fell face-forward without a sound. Lucian and Nibarr hurried up to the main gate and began setting up explosives.
“Do you really think this is going to work?†questioned Nibarr.
“No, I think we’re all going to die. But at least we’ve saved Lord Amedee the trouble of digging our graves,†replied Lucian, hiding his fear behind a half-hearted smile. “It’s an ingenious plan really,†he continued. “Haniel is a brilliant man, but everyone makes mistakes.â€Â
“So you think this is a mistake?â€Â
“Maybe not, but when I think of what the outcome of this might be, I am terrified.†Lucian's smile had faded and there was a seriousness in his eyes that Nibarr had never before seen.
“Tell me about Farrun, Lucian,†said Nibarr quietly. “Why does the very mention of it seem to darken the sun?â€Â
“It was vengeance, plain and simple. Something was stolen from Haniel, and he wanted it back. Of course, we wanted to help him get it.†Lucian rose to his feet and spoke slowly as he walked back toward the trees. “We nearly had them beaten, and then the sun rose.â€Â
“But what happened then? What happened at sunrise?†Nibarr demanded, following Lucian.
{I think you need to go ahead and explain what happened. The reader needs to understand why that battle torments Haniel so much.}
Haniel and Seva made their way across the huge courtyard to the northern tower. Once inside, they were forced to rethink their approach. The entry to the staircase they needed to take had been blocked up. It was apparent that the change was not recent, their maps had simply been outdated. Haniel and Seva felt uneasy. How many more unforeseen obstacles might they meet between here and the vault?
Haniel whipped around, drawing his sword. The footsteps seemed to have manifested out of thin air, and though it sounded like they were right behind him, there was no one there. Still, he felt uneasy. His mind raced, working out what the noise could have been. Whatever it was, he certainly hadn’t planned for it. It was an unknown variable in the equation that was his master plot, and he knew that if they were to succeed, he would have to decide on an alternate course quickly.
{In a world of invisibility potions and spells, would Haniel really have a lot of trouble figuring out what he'd heard and how to deal with it?}
Haniel proceeded cautiously into the darkened corridor. The footsteps now seemed to be moving steadily away from him. As he closed in, they halted, and then broke into a run. Haniel gave chase. Now that whoever it was knew he was being followed, he could not be allowed to escape. As Haniel came around the final corner, the footsteps halted. They were in the dining hall, and Haniel blocked the only exit. As he moved forward he could see a woman pressed against the far wall. Her fear pierced the darkness like a silver dagger when she spoke.
“Haniel, please forgive me,†Lielle whispered.
The words destroyed him. Old wounds opened, and his heart seemed to disintegrate into dust as the words thundered through his ears. He drew his blade and moved toward her. {Didn't he already have his sword out? Is this blade a sword, or something else?} She dropped to the floor, cowering in terror, and again her voice attacked him.
“I never wanted to harm you. You don’t know how hard it was for me. Please, Haniel, do not do this.†she pleaded.
“Do not speak to me! I will not listen to your lies!†growled Haniel. {I don't think he'd scream when he has to be stealthy. Survival takes precedence over everything else, and he doesn't seem to have a death wish.}
“I had no choice, Lord Verick gave me his word that he would let you live. I would rather have seen you in chains than watched you die.â€Â
“So you betrayed me out of love? What more noble cause could there be? I forgive you, Lielle, you were not to blame,†mocked Haniel. “It was I who faltered. I should have killed you when we first met. You served the man who stole my life, and I was seeking only revenge. Unlike your master, I don’t leave loose ends.â€Â
Haniel lifted her to her feet and held her close to him. Again she pleaded, begging for mercy.
“Please Haniel, please forgive me. I would take it all back if I could. I didn’t want to hurt you, please.†Tears ran down her face as she spoke. “Please, I don’t want to die.â€Â
“I’m sorry,†he whispered, plunging his dagger through her heart.
Haniel ran through the halls of the castle, making his way to the vault. This detour had wasted valuable time; he only hoped Seva had not encountered any difficulties. When he arrived at the vault, he heard voices. Leaning around the corner, he saw Seva and one of the castle guards sharing a drink. They were laughing, and Seva was being far more feminine than usual. After several minutes the guard passed out. It was time to open the door. Neither Haniel nor Seva were proficient at picking locks. Fortunately, Haniel had the key.
{How were they going to open the vault door?}
“Where did you get that?†asked Seva.
“I ran into an old friend, she was kind enough to lend it to me,†he replied curtly.
{It would be good to tell us when he gets the key. At least mention that he searched Lielle's body or took something out of her hand.}
With the door open, they proceeded to search through the vast piles of gold and trinkets. Haniel found a small chest amongst a stack of old papers and used the key to open it. Inside was a tarnished silver locket and a worn book.
“Come Seva, it’s time to go,†said Haniel as he moved toward the door.
“Go? What about all this gold? How will we be set for life if we leave all the spoils behind?â€Â
“I have all that and more in the palm of my hand.â€Â
“What do you mean?†she asked, following him out into the hallway.
“Eleven years ago, I was falsely accused of treason against the Empire. My father, however, was the one guilty of the crime. This is the journal that he kept for the better part of forty years, and in it he described the location of a hidden chamber where he stored all the riches he held back from the tax collections. He was a greedy old bastard, but he knew how to cover his tracks.â€Â
{The father kept a journal for 40 years, and it's all in one volume?}
“So we came all this way to find a clue?â€Â
“Yes.â€Â
They continued through the corridors to the courtyard and entered the gatehouse. When Haniel and Seva opened the gate, it did not go unnoticed, and the courtyard flooded with soldiers as they fled. Lucian had been waiting for this moment and drew back the string of his bow. As the soldiers poured through the open gate, he let a burning arrow fly. It struck one of the barrels that he and Nibarr had placed, and the explosion devastated Amedee’s troops.
As they fled down the path to the river, many of the surviving soldiers who followed them fell victim to Haniel’s traps. {Would be nice to know when he set these traps.] If all went according to plan, they would be few enough in number by the time they reached the river for Haniel and the others to defeat them. Suddenly, Haniel saw the one thing he'd overlooked in all his planning. Lielle served Lord Verick, and yet she was here. Her presence should have been enough warning, but blinded as he was by hatred, he missed it. He had failed again, but this time there was no escape.
Lord Amedee’s forces, supplemented by Lord Verick’s troops, reached the river. The fight raged, and Filidros was the first to fall. Filidros the Wood Elf would never again see his dear sister, and she would never know his fate. Then Irgo, whose love was the sea. He would never have his own ship, nor would he sail another's.
{It would be better, I think, to introduce these characters earlier. We could care more about them if we'd known them better.}
As his comrades fell around him, Haniel remembered the others--Orvas, Herger, Tumse, Jonah, Gaeleg--he had failed them all. Now, he would join them. He looked on helplessly as Seva fell bleeding to the ground. Nibarr lay dead, and soon Brandr lay beside him. It was Haniell and Lucian now, just as it had been before. They alone escaped the battle at Farrun. Very few escape death twice. They fell together, defeated at last.
Respectfully submitted,
Jannifer
I'm going to work on the things you pointed out Jannifer. The lack of a proper introduction to the characters, and the missing information about the battle at Farrun are both caused by the same thing. This was originally intended to be the second in a series of three stories. I had the same problem finishing the first on as I did here, so I decided to start the second. It proved to be so difficult to finish that I decided to scrap the other two and make this it's own thing.
Anyway, I'll rework a few things to improve it as a whole. But it may take some time, I work slowly.
Anyway, I'll rework a few things to improve it as a whole. But it may take some time, I work slowly.
