Lit TGoSA

[Hemitheon]

[url=http://tamriel-rebuilt.org/old_forum/viewtopic.php?p=260125]BOOK TEXT HERE[/url]

It's great. I'd suggest a couple cryptic Tribunal sentences and maybe more about his sins, Im figuring boozing, drugs, sexual vice, etc.

[Bloodthirsty Crustacean]

Awesome. Totally excellent.

One typo/thingy only stood out to me.

...same time, [the] ceiling behind him...

With Hemi on the occasional more 'cryptic' sentence being thrown in there, especially on Ayem's lines, but really the whole thing just works without such stuff. (And assuming all the gospels are written by different people, Aralor's is the one I'd choose for more 'plain' language)

Anyway, yeah, brilliant.

[Nomadic1]

It's great. I'd suggest a couple cryptic Tribunal sentences and maybe more about his sins, Im figuring boozing, drugs, sexual vice, etc.

Yeah the Dunmer, the horniest race in Tamriel, really care for sexual vice. I suppose boozing and drugs are sinful.

[Harke the Apostle]

Suggestions:

You wrote:

Times such as these give rise to great heroes but also to evildoers, and Aralor was one such villain. I

I suggest instead:

Such times give rise to heroes but also to evildoers, and Aralor was one such villain.

You wrote:

He was an orphan of unknown lineage, but it was said that his drive and ambition suggested Indoril or Hlaalu blood coursed through his veins.

Perhaps:

He was an orphan of unknown lineage, but it was said that his drive and ambition suggested that Indoril or Hlaalu blood coursed through his veins.

You wrote:

A great many rocks fell in front of Aralor, blocking the tunnel ahead.

Perhaps:

Many rocks fell in front of Aralor, blocking the tunnel ahead.

[gro-Dhal]

Updated. More sin and more theology, as requested.

[Harke the Apostle]

Updated. More sin and more theology, as requested.

I love it. Especially the sins.

[Gez]

from sniffing sugar

Moon sugar is smoked, not sniffed. Plus, sniffing isn't exactly the proper register of language for a holy book in my opinion.

Try something like, for example, "from partaking in the sand walker's sugar" instead.

[Harke the Apostle]

[Gez]

It could be used as a suppository for all I care. "Partaking in" is still a better verb than "sniffing", "snorting" or whatever else you want to use that sounds out of place in such a book. The problem is more with the [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Register_%28linguistics%29]register[/url] than anything else.

Plus, it's neutral as far as how exactly it's used is concerned.

[Harke the Apostle]

Agreed.
I’d simplify your sug-Gez-tion “from partaking in the sand walker's sugar" into “from taking moonsugarâ€Â￾. (I’ll update my latest review presently).

[Gnomey]

"From partaking of the sand walker's sugar"

If he was partaking of some unmentioned thing while lying in a pool of moonsugar "in" would work, but that seems like a bit much... (Not that that has to do with anything...)

Anyway, to come to think of it that was rather off-topic, so here's a suggestion: Maybe you shouldn't make it look as though he joined the ALMSIVI to get out of trouble. Make him convert for other reasons. Maybe Aralor raids a farm and kills its inhabitants before discovering that they were close relatives (maybe his sister/brother who settled down, something like that). Another idea would be for one of the Almsivi to visit him as he's sleeping in his camp. He then becomes enlightened, converts all of his raiding buddies nd sets off on his pilgrimage. You get the idea.

[Harke the Apostle]

Anyway, to come to think of it that was rather off-topic, so here's a suggestion: Maybe you shouldn't make it look as though he joined the ALMSIVI to get out of trouble. Make him convert for other reasons.

No, I don't think it would improve the story. Aralor is one of those people who only consider changing when they bump into something harder than their own head. It happens to crooks a lot, from what I gather.

[Bloodthirsty Crustacean]

[gro-Dhal]

Ok interesting feedback, thanks. A few points:

Gez: I used 'sniffing' precisely because it's not poetic or lyrical. It's an indication of the wretchedness of his habit and lifestyle. I called his bandits a 'pack' for similar reasons. It's animalistic and base. Also i'd always assumed Moon Sugar was a cocaine analogue, with Skooma as opium or heroin, but I didn't research it at all.

Gnomey: His imprisonment in darkness is a metaphor for his way of life. He thinks he's stuck with the life he leads, but wants to escape. He just doesn't realise how much until he's faced with dying unmourned and alone. Maybe I could have made that clearer, but I don't want to spell it out.

BC: He is a Saint, but he's also a cultural archetype. He's a Bad Dunmer who is representative of all Bad Dunmer. So in a sense he is after all just a random converted criminal, elevated to significance because his story illustrates Ayem's mercy perfectly and is therefore a good example to the devout.

If the above just sounds like BS i'm prepared to do a rewrite, but my gut feeling is that i've done the best I can already and any alteration will weaken it somewhat.

[Harke the Apostle]

I left in one mistake:

“What am I to do?â€Â￾ He said. should be “What am I to do?â€Â￾ he said.

[Harke the Apostle]

Gez: I used 'sniffing' precisely because it's not poetic or lyrical. It's an indication of the wretchedness of his habit and lifestyle. I called his bandits a 'pack' for similar reasons. It's animalistic and base. Also i'd always assumed Moon Sugar was a cocaine analogue, with Skooma as opium or heroin, but I didn't research it at all.

I'm not gez, but...

I see you haven't updated your story with (some) of my suggestions yet, but I changed the "sniffing sugar" into "taking moonsugar". I didn't catch on to the animalistic image when you used "pack" or "sniffing". This is partially because you only use two words at different ends of the same paragraph, and also because the rest of the actions consist of deeds that are impossible for animals.

In my version I have altered the imagery of "cruel rain" into "Nix Hounds". It seemed to work better.

[edit] Pardon for double posting. I could have sworn I clicked edit.

[gro-Dhal]

Updated for great justice

[Nanu]

I'll take off every zig when you tell me this isn't a WIP.

[gro-Dhal]

Zig? Is that another daedric letter like vehk and seht?

And I think i'm more or less done, unless anyone else has anything to say.

[Enlil]

Great story. I know nothing of the lore or register of such a man but overall, the (updated) story seems to flow well and leaves the reader wanting more.

[Hemitheon]

If the book says "Gospel of" chances are it's about a Tribunal saint. Go to the High Fane of Vivec and look in the chapel you'll see their shrines.

[gro-Dhal]

HAI NANU IT'S BEEN DONE FOR AGES