Skillgannons Showcase (Assassin monks on request.)

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 9:28 pm

(This story was inspired by a request for more assassinations, pirates, monks and Hammerfell stories by Haplo a while ago.)

The following literature will be in a book that is a quest item. It is the journal of two men on a mission to hunt down a band of marauders.

There will be a second part in another journal which is an extra that can be found during the same quest, this is called The Latter Companion of Tuskus and Ahldmeria.
The story/events that the first journal pertains to, will mainly be told in the prologue of the journal in story style but will also be allured to through various mediums via other Diary entries and Journals, letters and notes in the possible quest. I hope it will all accompany the quest that I am still working on.

A draft of this story was submitted to the Chorrol fan fiction competition. I am working on a new draft at the moment, hence the reason it has been shortened for the moment.

The Companion of Tuskus and Ahldmeria

The Prologue
A solemn silhouette sailed across the horizon into the bay. A black, hulking dread vessel crewed by a ragtag band of grim pirates and ghastly miscreants. This ship of dark renown, a far more frightening concept than any other craft of legend. The men that stood on its swabbed decks had traveled for weeks looking for an ideal place to store their stolen goods, a place to hide from the law and the storms. These battle-hardened men had recently raided the camp of a dignitary, who was on his way to Gilane; with him were an armored guard. As a result, the ship was now carrying a large amount of loot and covering less and less sea by the day.

The weary eyes aboard the ship looked eagerly upon the stretch of land that lay in the distance. The crew as a whole had cheered the proposal of steering away from Rihad and Taneth in case they were recognized, and for some reason the Captain had expressed his wishes to avoid even a glance of Gilane. The crew, wary of their Captain, listened to the orders he gave head towards a smaller settlement without question, but not without suspicion and talk began. Many spoke of parting company as soon as they made port but most spoke of what, or who, was in Gilane that would make the Captain seem so wary. A select few schemed idly about staging a rebellion and leaving the Captain in the city of Gilane to his own fate.

The beach made for a thick horizon line and, frustratingly, it seemed to loom no nearer now than it had an hour ago. Tensions were high after a series of unsuccessful raids on cargo-less boats and ships. That is what had led the pirates to some inland excursions, where they had attacked the dignitary and his men. The cost in blood had been high and several pirates perished during the short battle. The armed guard had seemed ill trained and appeared to be mercenaries, unconnected to any major force. The piratesÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ anger and blood lust had won the battle that day. They had looted and stripped the corpses and trekked back to their ship. There was a surplus in armor, weapons and food but no valuable jewels were found.

After the battle, the crew's discontent with the direction of their piracy was clearly tangible. That was when the captain had cunningly decided to lay anchor in a secluded town to relieve them of their booty and to celebrate another successful raid. At which point his plan had him sailing off in the middle of the night with his loyal crewmembers. None of them were happy to desert their comrades on an unknown shore in the middle of the night but they could and would if it meant avoiding a mutiny. The Captain above all was eager to reach their destination. He had told the first mate one night that he had once 'toured' the shores of Gilane and had found his breaking point, he said no more and the first mate knew better than to ask. A dank air of mistrust had hung above the ship like itÃ¢â‚¬Ëœs own sails and they had quickly navigated towards a piece of land between the three cities.

That piece of land was now close enough to see some of the vegetation and the crew began to prepare the anchor. With this knowledge, the whole crew felt a fresh wind roll over them and carry the boat towards their destination. Talk no longer came so slowly and laughter was no longer forced. For a few minutes, the swabbed decks of the ship shone more brightly.

The crew laid anchor in Hews Bay, opposite a secluded shore near the town of Roseguard. Eight rowboats of eight men set out for land with around a third of the crew remaining on duty aboard the ship. Desperate feet plunged into a warm white gold sea, as the men dragged the rowboats onto the sandy beach.

Hoping to secure a farm or house most of the able-bodied men set out to find a town, whilst the others waiting at the shoreline. The members of the expedition took one last long look at the ship named Ã¢â‚¬ËœThe LysiriusÃ¢â‚¬Ëœ. Its greasy black hull, jutting out of the water like a strange monolith. The LysiriusÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ figurehead was the snarling face of a wolf, its piercing eyes keenly gazing out across the new land. The expedition decided to head northeast towards higher ground, in the hope that they would then be able to survey the surrounding area. The crew had not traveled the south of Hammerfell, for now obvious reasons. Having more often-trawled Iliac Bay or followed known trade routes between the Summerset Isles, Stros MÃ¢â‚¬â„¢kai, and Cyrodiil and sometimes to a place with no known routes of any kind: Akavir.

This was all new territory and although most of the pirates were eager to rest their weary consciences, being adventurers at heart they could feel the excitement welling inside as they left The Lysirius behind and began their ascent into the hills.

Nanu · Post by **Nanu** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:27 am

Interesting. I noticed a few things before I dive head first into your text. For one, you're using UK spelling; please use US spelling (colour-color.) And two, your dialog needs spacing out - that awesomely big chuck of text is hard to read.

Otherwise, it looks to be nice. I'll look through it once you go over it. Thanks for contributing!

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:34 am

Awesomeness Nanu Ra, thanks for the boost in confidence and inspiration and getting back to me so fast. I'll write more tonight and follow the guidelines for spacing with a re-edit tomorrow.

Skillgannon.

EDIT:
US spelling edit complete. 17 April.

EDIT:
A ridiculously long winded attempt at improving the spacing. Tell me if you want me to change it, I couldn't find the guidelines but I swear I saw someone mention them somewhere. 17 April.

Gez · Post by **Gez** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 9:01 am

Please use a real text editor to write your texts, not the Windows notepad.
For examples:
http://www.pnotepad.org/
http://www.mypeecee.org/rogsoft/notepad.html
http://www.flos-freeware.ch/notepad2.html
http://notepad-plus.sourceforge.net/uk/site.htm

(And that's only a few of those which have "notepad" in their name.)

Any of them will do the job better than the standard notepad, and none of them will mangle the formatting like notepad does. Sorry, but I'm not reading a wall of text that is made of short lines, with an empty line between each, and no discernible paragraphs.

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 5:02 pm

Sure thing, thanks.
Skillgannon

EDIT:
Used Programmer's Notepad to re-format the text. Is it better now? 21 April.

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:59 pm

Please anyone FEEDBACK!

Nanu · Post by **Nanu** » Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:48 am

If you want feedback, it's a good idea to either PM the moderator you want to look at your showcase or at least keep it on the first page. This was on page 3, and the only reason why I noticed it was because you posted in the sticky.

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:07 am

So how do i keep it on the first page?
Okay thank you. Im not sure about any moderators since i dont really know anyone.

Gez · Post by **Gez** » Tue Jun 24, 2008 8:43 am

You can use [url=http://tamriel-rebuilt.org/old_forum/viewtopic.php?t=17814]this[/url] to know who is who. So the guys [url=http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/01/11/this-is-relevant-to-my-interests/]relevant to your interests[/url] are Nanu (literature) and Sload (lore).

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:41 pm

hahaha, thanks for your help. That kitten just reminds me of the dog ending from silent hill 2.

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Wed Jun 25, 2008 4:39 pm

Okay so i'm bumping this. And i am also asking for any help anyones got, whether it be criticism or about a mistake i have made.

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Wed Jun 25, 2008 4:45 pm

And also if I have got a question regarding my story (ie whats Elinhir like?) should I start a new thread or just use this one?

Lady Nerevar · Post by **Lady Nerevar** » Wed Jun 25, 2008 5:15 pm

you should first take a look at the lore forum and do a search for applicable criteria all over the forum. then i'd say start a new thread in lore, easier to keep track of it that way and it will get more views.

Nanu · Post by **Nanu** » Wed Jun 25, 2008 6:23 pm

Before we even begin with the actual content of the story (which is a wee bit horrorshow like,) we should talk of flow. Every good writer uses flow to make sure that their story, well, flows from one statement to the other. You do not have any such thing. For example:

Code: Select all

A ship swam into view across the bay. The men that stood on its swabbed decks were pirates. They had traveled for weeks looking for an ideal place to store their booty and a suitable getaway to hide from the law or the storm. They had recently raided an armed force and were carrying a heavy amount of armor and loot. They all looked eagerly upon the stretch of land that lay in the distance. They had chosen to steer away from Rihad and Taneth in case they were recognized and captured. In addition, for some reason the Captain wished to avoid even a glance of Gilane. So they had headed towards a smaller settlement hoping to incur less resistance.

While technically correct, all of the bolded statements are borderline fragments and very choppy and hard to read; it would be better formatted as the following:

Code: Select all

A lone ship appeared across the sunlit horizon of the bay. It was a pirate ship, and was very well maintaned for the age of the poor tub. The vagabonds had traveled for many weeks looking for an ideal place to store their stolen merchandise and a suitable getaway to hide from the law and the storms. They had recently raided an armored ship laden with arms and gold, and were therefore carrying quite a haul of valuables. The crew looked eagerly upon the stretch of land that lay in the distance, surveying for a place to set anchor. For reasons most criminals wanted to stay away from the Legion, they had chosen to steer away from Rihad and Taneth in the event that they were recognized. The Captain wished to avoid even a glance of Gilane, and the  band had no intention of questioning their leader's motives. It was for these reasons that the crew headed towards a smaller settlement hoping to incur less resistance.

That reads much better. I noticed that you like to use the word "they" a lot as well. If you can find a different way to say something and say it descriptively, you're well on your way already. It's sort of a big rule of writing: show, don't tell. You said: "They were pirates." While that's certainly straight to the point, it's better and more interesting to describe the pirates. How do they smell, look, and act? How are they dressed? Do they look tired? Are they worn veterans, new recruits, or a mixture of both? All of these things help to pull a reader in, especially if it's the very first paragraph like the one I read.
___
That's all for now. Just work on your writing; you'd be surprised what you're capable of.

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Wed Jun 25, 2008 8:13 pm

Well the story was written for dual purposes, one was TR and later the other was the chorrol.com competition. Towards the end of the competition I had to rush to finish the story. So i guess a good look over is needed. I will edit it and make another draft. Also I am writing it to keep active in the literary area, rather than going stale, so any criticism helps to build my skill in writing in general, so, thank you

As to having no flow, well what can i say? You either have it or you don't, its your opinion. When I read my stories back i cant see any of this because i wrote it and my mind just skims over it, its nice to know what you think. Any opinions on the fact/lore involved?

For now I'll work towards posting a new draft.

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Sat Jul 05, 2008 2:07 am

I did bungle this story up. I should have given myself more time before the competition and spent more hours working on it. I cant believe I sent this half-arsed stuff in. It doesn't make sense how it goes from third person narration in past tense to third person narration in present tense.

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Wed Jul 09, 2008 10:18 pm

Okay so I've cut it down for now, to improve the appearance and to attract more comments. I have attempted to edit the format and i think it looks much more slick

Now I will upload another version in place of this one soon, which will alter the whole prologue so that it will all be a third person, present tense narrative of the prehistory told by Ahldmeria.
I will eventually edit with a new version of the diary section that will ensure that it is all first person, present tense narrative of daily events by Ahldmeria and Tuskus.

Just an update on what is going on.
Any criticisms are not only welcome, but needed.

Thank you,

Skillgannon.

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 2:56 am

So it's highly possible that this story might never see the light of Tamriel. I'll keep writing it though and hope that the need for a long/in-depth quest will outweigh all else.

I am planning on an attempt at creating the quest for this story, which entails the PC being commissioned to steal this book from the tower in the temple (mentioned later in the story) from the possession of the Elder monk, for the Champion of the monastery (also mentioned later in the story).
The Champion, The Waylander, then requires the player to find the two men described in the book, Tuskus and Ahldmeria, wherever they now reside (which is in Cyrodiil).
The character must find them and then take knowledge of them back to the Waylander.
The reward so far is a small amount of gold, a unique signature blade from the Waylander, an informative travel guide book and an extra quest received upon finding Tuskus and Ahldmeria, which is given to the player by the two wanderers.
The last part of the quest is given to the player by the Elder, he must travel to Gilane to find and confront that which the Captain would not, that which caused him to choose the beach of Roseguard to lay anchor instead.

How does it sound?
I know it might sound random and confusing but if you bear with me I'll try to illuminate anything that I didn't make clear.
Anybody got any tips on making this into a quest?

P.S. Don't forget comments or criticisms

Thank you,
Skillgannon.

theviking · Post by **theviking** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 11:41 am

Someone has red David Gemmell's books... I think it would be better if you take real Hammerfell people and build the quest around them, instead of designing an unique quest and then imagining some people to do it. In Hammerfell we generally create the NPC's before we make a quest. The lore&quest forum is a good way to find this knowledge. I like the obsureness of the quest.

Skillgannon · Post by **Skillgannon** » Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:30 pm

David Gemmel is awesome, i should know i met him

Thank you

I only went on the quests i experienced in oblivion, and half of them are utterly random (i.e. Zero Visibility). Thanks for the boost

I am looking for any advice anyone has on the new draft of my story?

Nanu · Post by **Nanu** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 4:17 pm

Your writing is pretty good on it's own, but I'm sure you're capable of quests as well. Try those; we sort of have a surplus of authors at the moment. I don't know if I can keep track of the ones we have, much less a few more.

If you get on for quests, feel free to post in L&W, though. We're just trying to get modders that aren't all one-trick ponies.