Cyrus the Restless and the Teachings of Hakan

[redsrock]

Cyrus the Restless and the Teachings of Hakan
by Redsrock

Hello there, it's Verick Gelvine again with another tale involving the famous Cyrus the Restless! This particular story begins one day after the dinner, in which Cyrus had finally persuaded Hakan to teach him some of his sword tricks he had learned while training the Forbear militia. For anyone who wishes to catch up with the events that taken place up to this particular story, I would advise them to read Cyrus the Restless and the Rendezvous with Hakan and Iszara, a wonderful tale found in many bookstores throughout Hammerfell.

Cyrus was sitting at the steps of an abandoned shack looking out at the docks of the city, the gold earring on his left ear glimmering in the rays of the sun. He was unaware of Hakan's presence just a few feet behind him because he was too busy daydreaming, staring at the boat captain Tobias and his crew of sailors and wishing he was there to join them. He was bored from working at the harbor, and longed for a more adventurous life.

Hakan carefully placed his hand on Cyrus' shoulder, who in return immediately grabbed for his saber out of sheer extinct. "Eager to fight I see," Hakan said with a laugh, his long black hair waving in the strong winds coming from the sea. "All in good time, Cyrus."

"Sorry, Hakan," Cyrus replied bashfully. Then he grabbed and began rubbing his earring, something he often did when embarrassed or in deep thought. "Thanks again for coming."

"There's no need for thanks. I told you yesterday I didn't mind doing this, and I wasn't lying. Though before we actually begin I'd like to have a look at your stance. I've always believed that's pretty much the basic beginning for any fighter."

Both of them stood up from the steps walked into the ally to their left, where there was open space to move about. Cyrus unsheathed his saber and readied himself into his stance, his saber held out in front firmly in his right hand and his left arm hanging behind. He had his right leg bent a little, and his left foot was hanging back just as his left arm was.

"Firstly, you're holding onto your saber the wrong way," Hakan chuckled while he helped Cyrus move around. "You don't want such a tight grip on your sword, Cyrus. It is much easier on you if you hold it more loosely. It's alright to have a nice grip to hold it steady, but you're knuckles are starting to turn white!"

Cyrus loosened his grip a bit as Hakan continued. "Secondly, your feet are wrong as well. You don't want your front leg bent, that's for your back leg since you will be using it to lunge and whatnot. Keep your front leg stiff, but not too much. You don't want it snapping from underneath you."

"But this is what one of the Crown soldiers taught me how to fight when-"

Hakan laughed loudly and said, "That was your first mistake, Cyrus...listening to a Crown soldier. Why do you think they don't wish to go to war?" Cyrus shrugged his shoulders and waiting for Hakan. "Because they are afraid, for one, but that doesn't matter right now. Come, try and strike me."

"Huh?" Cyrus asked, not sure if he heard Hakan right.

"I said strike at me with your saber..."

"What if I hit you?" he asked with a surprised look about his smoothly dark face.

Hakan grinned while getting into his own stance. "Just do it."

So Cyrus nervously swing his saber at Hakan, who easily spun around and side stepped to the left. While Cyrus arm was still extended Hakan quickly grabbed it and wrapped it around Cyrus' neck, now having him in a firm choke hold. Cyrus immediately dropped his blade and started choking. Hakan of course, not wanting to suffocate the boy, released him.

"You stance is greatly flawed, Cyrus, and now I find myself not wanting to leave you in such a state. I think I'll stay around a bit longer. The militiamen don't even need me today. Besides, Rinosa is there to help them if they need it."

"So you'll stick around?" Cyrus asked, having finally caught his breath.

"Of course. I'll show you a few more moves, but after that we need to have a long talk, about the Forbear and why I fight for them. It's something I've been meaning to talk to you about actually. I can see the raw talent you have, but right now it is vastly undeveloped, mostly in part because of the Crown I believe, and your father as well. I don't mean that in a bad way, but Kambuja doesn't think rationally sometimes..."

Cyrus wasn't sure what to say. He knew his father wouldn't like him talking to Hakan about such things, but also Cyrus was curious as to what Hakan had to say. This was mostly in part because of his youth and not caring about the political variants between the Crown and Forbear sides. He had been too young to understand such things even if he had wanted to, but of course then he certainly had not.

"Sure, thanks, Hakan. I appreciate it." Hakan smiled proudly and the two went back to work.

About an hour later the two stopped with the physical training, their shirts and faces drenched in sweat. During the session of training Hakan was able to show Cyrus a more effective stance, as well as parrying an offensive attack, something that Cyrus still wasn't good at. Now the two of them were sitting back on the steps.

"You made a lot of progress, but you still have a long way to go," Hakan barely breathed, even he still fatigued from the training. It was a blistering hot day after all. "But it was fun, and I wouldn't mind doing this everyday if you're willing."

"That'd be great, Hakan!" Cyrus cheered. "Thank you so much!"

Hakan grinned that same grin he'd used hundreds of times, mostly during his acting days. Before joining up with the Forbear he had been an actor for Kambuja's many plays. "Your welcome, Cyrus. Now, let us speak of the Forbear and Crown ways. I know where your father's loyalties lie, but I believe you should be made aware of both sides, and then hopefully you can make your own personal judgment. How does that sound?"

Cyrus nodded while taking a swig from his porcelain water canteen.

"Excellent. First off I think we should speak of the upcoming rebellion, and the stances between the Forbear and the Crown. As you already know the Crown are against secession, while the Forbear are in every way for a rebellion. I know you are still young, but do you at least have a basic understanding of what's going on between us and the Imperials?"

Cyrus scratched at his earring again and said, "I think so. The Imperials want to take some of our land?"

"Sort of," Hakan laughed," but it's a bit more complicated than that I'm afraid. At least you're on the right path. The Empire is now no further than Sancre Tor, and even the Nordic Kings are starting to bend to their will. Something must be done, Cyrus, and we Forbear shall be the ones to take action," he said while clinching his fist, already emotionally driven. "We are the righteous foundation upon which this country rests. And we have too long suffered its weight."

"So does this mean war will soon be here?" Cyrus asked.

"It is very likely I'm afraid. The Imperials get their name for good reason, because they are always trying to take others land and make it their own. They are greedy, Cyrus, you must realize this. The only way to stop them is to fight!" he said firmly with pride. "We must not give in! I only wish your father and the other crowns would understand this..."

"Maybe I can talk to him for you?" Cyrus offered.

"No, I do not want that," Hakan said while shaking his head. "I can already sense your that father doesn't think too highly of me, and I do not wish to heighten those feelings any further. The Crown are too passive, Cyrus, and soon there will be no other choice but to fight. And this will happen soon, mind you, which is why we must act sooner than later." He looked up into the sky and then back at Cyrus. "I brought a couple of books with me for you to read. Study them closely and hopefully you will see the difference between the Crown and the Forbear. Meet me here tomorrow at the same time." Hakan patted Cyrus' right shoulder and then left before Cyrus even had a chance to thank him.

*********************

Later on that night Cyrus was in his room, reading the books Cyrus had given him, when out of nowhere his father opened the door from the hallway and stepped through. "What are you reading, son?" he asked.

Cyrus was worried his father would become angry with him if he knew what he was reading, so he attempted to shrug it off as normal everyday reading. "Nothing really, just something I started to look at today."

Kambuja started to walk towards his desk so Cyrus quickly put the books away in the drawer of his desk. "I'm getting sleepy, father, I think I'll go to bed now," he said slyly, but nothing could get past wise Kambuja.

Kambuja's face became as red with anger, though as always he stayed calm. "Let me see the books, son."

[redsrock]

I've noticed there hasn't really been a lot of activity in the this particular forum as of late. I don't know if it's just people on vacation or whatever. But if it has something to do with my writing just let me know, it's not going to hurt my feelings. I will never get better if nobody points out my mistakes.

Yeah, I suppose this is mostly directed towards you, Sload. I get the impression from the Storyboard that you don't care for me too much, but I need your help. You have a lot of knowledge and I would like to hear some of it.

Really, you can be nasty if you want, I don't care as long as it helps me become a better writer.

[Haplo]

There's usually not much activity here. The days of busy daily activity kind of ended a long time ago; it happens in short fits and bursts now. There just aren't that many people who read and write on the forums anymore.

[redsrock]

Oh, well I feel lucky then. It's a good thing I write a lot. Of course quality outweighs quantity, I am well aware of that.

[Haplo]

TR is like politics in that you can often hasten things with a tit-for-tat approach. This is, of course, easier when you're involved with several different aspects of modding, but it can work for literature too. Like if you want some feedback, you could comment on someone's story or monologue in return for some feedback on your own story.

[redsrock]

Very true, I learned that at a forum I used to visit, but that's not a very good example considering the arguments I had there. Anyways, I'll be reading other peoples' stories around here. Not just because I'd like some feedback of my own, but because it can only help me in the long run, you know?

[immortal_pigs]

Since you asked for it, redsrock, I'll give you some critique. But first I need to ask a few questions.
- Who is Cyrus the Restless actually? I mean, you assume the reader knows who he is, but I don't. And who is Hakan?
- What is the point of this particular Cyrus story? What are you trying to tell the reader?
- What's the name of the in-game author? Is it redsrock? You have written quite a few books on Cyrus, so I assume they'de be by the same in-game author?
- Just guessing that the Cyrus character is from previous TES games, are your stories made up, or are they simply literary translations of what hapenned in that game?


My critique is mainly on your 'style' of writing, not ther spelling. I didn't see any spelling erros, just a few words grammatically incorrect. Sometimes it's a bit strange, I think. I'm going to take everything I thought was strange and comment on it.

He was unaware of Hakan's presence just a few feet behind him because he was too busy daydreaming, staring at the boat captain Tobias and his crew of sailors and wishing he was there to join them.
Make it two sentences. 'wishing he was there to join them'?

"Sorry, Hakan," Cyrus replied bashfully.
'Bashfully'? That meens shy, right? I think it's strange, but it could be only me.

I've always believed that's pretty much the basic beginning for any fighter."
'pretty much'.

Cyrus unsheathed his saber and readied himself into his stance, his saber held out in front firmly in his right hand and his left arm hanging behind.
You mention the actions with his saber twice in the same sentence. The second part with saber should be a new sentence, I believe.

You're holding onto your saber the wrong way," Hakan chuckled while he helped Cyrus move around.
'chuckled'?

"Because they are afraid, for one, but that doesn't matter right now.
If it doesn't matter, why bring it up? 'for one'? Makes you think there will be more.

"Huh?" Cyrus asked, not sure if he heard Hakan right.
You're saying the same thing here twice. [Why else would he say 'huh'.]

"I said strike at me with your saber..."
No, he didn't say that.

Cyrus immediatly dropped his blade and started choking.
Dunno, just seems a strange choice of words. As if he can only choke after his blade is dropped.

Hakan of course, not wanting to suffocate the boy, released him.
'of course' seems out of place.

"You stance is greatly flawed,
Forgot my critique again.

Besides, Rinosa is there to help them if they need it. The aforementioned reason seemed sufficient to me, why add another?

"Of course. I'll show you a few more moves, but after that we need to have a long talk, about the Forbear and why I fight for them. It's something I've been meaning to talk to you about actually.
The last sentence simply says the same thing as the one preceding it.

He had been too young to understand such things even if he had wanted to, but of course then he certainly had not.
This sentence is just strange. I don't understand what the message is.

as well as parrying an offensive attack,
'how to' needs to be added.

make your own personal judgment
Dunno if this is or isn't good english. But it sounds strange. 'Making your own personal judgment'.

The Crown are too passive, Cyrus, and soon there will be no other choice but to fight.
The Crown are too passive Cyrus. Soon there will be no other choice but to fight.


I haven't really read your other material, but looking at this story, my opinion is that it's boring. I maybe want to know what'll happen to Cyrus after his dad finds the books, but you leave that part out. I'm just going to assume this book is part of a larger series of adventure novels on Cyrus that you plan on writing. In that case I guess it is necessary for character development and stuff. If it's stand-alone, then I don't see the point of it. It doesn't really contain any 'adventure' elements. [By that I mean action, suspense, thrill.]

My point being, if it's part of a series AND necessary, it's good [though still uninteresting to me]. If it isn't, then why read it?

That's it. Just keep in mind I'm just a non-writer critiqueing literature. I might be missing the point.

[redsrock]

No offence or anything, but most of what you said was really unnecessary or just plain wrong. There were only a few things that you said that were actualy productive. I know you're helping and everything, but I just don't agree with a lot of what you said.

I don't go in depth to explain who the characters are and whatnot because yes, it is one story of a bunch more to come. "Cyrus the Restless and..." is a series of the many adventures of Cyrus. If I was to explain everything in each book that would be redundant. My beginning story will be "Cyrus the Restless and The Wedding", in which all important things will be discussed. I don't see a need to explain everything over and over again.

So, like I said, once the reader reads the first book they won't have to ask themselves "who is Cyrus?", "how old is he?", "What's going on?", etc, etc...

EDIT: Also, I need to thank you as well. Sorry, that should have been the first thing I typed.

[immortal_pigs]

So I basically spent fifteen minutes critiqueing the unnecessary? Instead of asking what was productive/wrong/unnecessary, I'll just ask what kind of critique you are actually looking for.
So, what kind of critique are you looking for?
That way people don't waste time on critiqueing stuff that is already perfect and stuff. I'd like to give productive critique, but help me out here..

And yes, I do understand that saying a story is boring isn't particularly productive since it's just an opinion.

[Thrignar Fraxix]

Immortal Pigs, a lot of what you said wasn't actually an error. One thing I did notice was that extinct should be instinct, but that was something you highlighted and didn't even notice. His style is for the most part fine, and IMO better than your suggested alternative.

Cyrus is a folk hero who everyone knows, or at least would know in the areas where this book would be found. There are some required reading texts about him in the lore forum as I recall, you should take a look at them.

[Jale]

One style point: you might want to mix it up a bit with your synonyms for Sabre (british spelling used by me, but Saber used in game I believe...might be worth checking that though). You said Saber at least a dozen times, sword about three times and blade once or twice. It's okay but there are some sentences where you use 'saber' more than once, which is a little clunky. Just pop in synonyms in these instances, its good stylistic practice.

Also picking up on the part where he drops the sword AND starts to choke...perhaps that would be better as dropping his sword AS he starts to choke. Just seems a bit more temporally consistent, suggesting that the choking is causing the dropping.

Other than that I like it, and agree with the general opinion that the suggestions of the Canadian chap are largely redundant or wrong.

[redsrock]

And actually, rather than be vague let me try and answer your questions and critiques. Keep in mind I am not trying to be a smartass, I'm just one to usually say what I feel is neccessary.

- Who is Cyrus the Restless actually? I mean, you assume the reader knows who he is, but I don't. And who is Hakan?

Like I already mentioned, this book will actually come in the upper-middle of the series.

- What is the point of this particular Cyrus story? What are you trying to tell the reader?

Truthfully, I think it's perfecrly easy to tell that Hakan is teaching Cyrus fighting manuevers, as well as explaining the Forbear way. But the previous story sets this is rather well, hence the book reference at the beginning.

- What's the name of the in-game author? Is it redsrock? You have written quite a few books on Cyrus, so I assume they'de be by the same in-game author?

Yes, I assumed that was self-explanatory as well.

- Just guessing that the Cyrus character is from previous TES games, are your stories made up, or are they simply literary translations of what hapenned in that game?

Yes, he is from Redguard, but my tales are not of the game, but rather the past history prior.

"He was unaware of Hakan's presence just a few feet behind him because he was too busy daydreaming, staring at the boat captain Tobias and his crew of sailors and wishing he was there to join them."
Make it two sentences. 'wishing he was there to join them'?

I don't see anything wrong with the way I wrote it. Maybe I should split it up as you say, but I don't think it sounds awkward. If anything just a little run-on-ish...

"Hakan carefully placed his hand on Cyrus' shoulder, who in return immediatly grabbed for his saber out of sheer extinct."
Strange sentence.

I don't see how. Care to explain?

"Sorry, Hakan," Cyrus replied bashfully.
'Bashfully'? That meens shy, right? I think it's strange, but it could be only me.

Again, I don't see the strangeness but maybe I should have used "embarrisingly".

Then he grabbed and began rubbing his earring, something he often did when embarrassed or in deep thought.
?

Again again, I don't see anything wrong with that as well. Actually I thought it was a nice little touch.

I've always believed that's pretty much the basic beginning for any fighter."
'pretty much'.

You are right in this instance. "pretty much" is too modern of a phrase.

"Cyrus unsheathed his saber and readied himself into his stance, his saber held out in front firmly in his right hand and his left arm hanging behind."
You mention the actions with his saber twice in the same sentence. The second part with saber should be a new sentence, I believe.

No, I don't really. If you read it carefully you'll realize you're mistaken here.

You're holding onto your saber the wrong way," Hakan chuckled while he helped Cyrus move around.
'chuckled'? I'd choose 'sayd' or 'said'. [Whichever one is the correct spelling.]

I think it's okay how I wrote it, adds more emotion...

"You don't want it snapping from underneath you."

You didn't leave a response so I assume you think this sounds awkward as well. You may be right, and I probably should have used "hyperextend", but another word that's not too modern-ish. I don't know, that one confused me to at times...

"Because they are afraid, for one, but that doesn't matter right now."
If it doesn't matter, why bring it up?

He was eluding to something in the future of the passage. Maybe I need to edit that particular passage, I'll have to look at it later on.

"I said strike at me with your saber..."
No he didn't say that.

You're sort of right, I just assumed the reader would know I meant his saber because that's what they were training with in the first place.

"What if I hit you?" he asked with a surprised look about his smoothly dark face.
'smoothly dark face'? Lol, this seems a bit unneccesary to say.

I really don't see why. It adds description, which is usually always a good thing.

Cyrus immediatly dropped his blade and started choking.
Dunno, just seems a strange choice of words. As if he can only choke after his blade is dropped.

No, you simply have it wrong. I didn't say he was choking because he dropped his sword.

Hakan of course, not wanting to suffocate the boy, released him.
'of course' seems out of place.

Nah, I don't think so.

"You stance is greatly flawed,
Forgot my critique again.

I think I can answer it for you, since it's rather glaring. "You" should be "Your".

Besides, Rinosa is there to help them if they need it. The aforementioned reason seemed sufficient to me, why add another?

He's saying that if for some reason the militiamen DO need someone of a higher rank, Rinosa will be there to help them this particular night.

"Of course. I'll show you a few more moves, but after that we need to have a long talk, about the Forbear and why I fight for them. It's something I've been meaning to talk to you about actually.
'moves'? As in dancing?
The last sentence simply says the same thing as the one preceding it.

1. No, not 'moves', that's a bit silly to think if you ask me.
2. No it doesn't.

Cyrus wasn't sure what to say. He knew his father wouldn't like him talking to Hakan about such things, but also Cyrus was curious as to what Hakan had to say.
'as to what'.

I don't see anything wrong with that way I wrote it.

He had been too young to understand such things even if he had wanted to, but of course then he certainly had not.
This sentence is just strange. I don't understand what the message is.

It IS a bit confusing, I'll try and fix that part later on.

as well as parrying an offensive attack,
'how to' needs to be added.

That's unnecessary. I think it's fine the way I wrote it.

"That'd be great, Hakan!" Cyrus cheered. "Thank you so much!"
Cyrus is supposed to be a hero, right? He seems a little bit to un-heroish saying that.

That's because he's still young, before his adventures even begin...

make your own personal judgment
Dunno if this is or isn't good english. But it sounds strange. 'Making your own personal judgment'.

How does it sound strange?

The Crown are too passive, Cyrus, and soon there will be no other choice but to fight.
Perhaps make this more like written speech, so ditch the comma. Make 'and' the start of a new sentence. No wait, I mean make it look like this: The Crown are too passive Cyrus. Soon there will be no other choice but to fight.

Since it's dialogue that would be the wrong thing to do. It flows better by the way i wrote it, it sounds more realistic.


*EDIT*

So I basically spent fifteen minutes critiqueing the unnecessary? Instead of asking what was productive/wrong/unnecessary, I'll just ask what kind of critique you are actually looking for.
So, what kind of critique are you looking for?
That way people don't waste time on critiqueing stuff that is already perfect and stuff. I'd like to give productive critique, but help me out here..

You didn't waste your time, I just didn't agree with you. If you can't take it when someone doesn't agree with you that's not my problem.

[immortal_pigs]

Thanks for replying with a more in-depth post, that way I can learn from my own mistakes as well. After re-reading my critiques I did acknowledge most of the points you made. And no, you don't come across as a smart-ass.

[If I skipped something, it means I probably agree and have no comment.]

When I asked about the point I didn't mean the 'obvious' point. I was asking why it was a necessary book. I understand now.

I didn't think 'redsrock' was a Redguard name [I thought it was an abbreviation of 'Redguards Rock']. This does prompt me to wonder how in-game author redsrock could know all this stuff..

"He was unaware of Hakan's......"
I see now that that sentence is correct. It just sounded ackward at first, but now it makes sense.

"Hakan carefully placed....."
Same thing here.

Like I said, bashfully might seem strange only to me. I've just never heard of it being used in such a context before.

My problem with the earring part was 'grabbed and begun', I guess it is good English, al though I'd expected 'grabbed and began to'.

Cyrus unsheathed his saber and readied himself into his stance, his saber held out in front firmly in his right hand and his left arm hanging behind.My problem here is more or less subjective. I think it was a strange way to phrase Cyrus drawing his saber. It's just that you have Cyrus perform two differen actions with his saber in one sentence. It's really difficult for me to show my problem with it, but I'll try. To me it looks like this: Cyrus draws his saber and [at the same time] readies himself into his stance. However being readied into his stance means his saber will be held out in front of him firmly. I want to read how his saber is repositioned after being drawn.

The leg-snapping is ok, as far as I'm concerned.

"I said strike at me with your saber..."
My problem is that the passage could be interpeted as this:
Hakan says: Strike me.
Cyrus: Huh? [Not being sure of what Hakan said, having not expected it.]
Hakan: I sayd strike at me with your saber.
My problem is that he isn't repeating what he said. But after re-reading it, it doesn't seem that important anymore.

I only thought it was a strange moment to mention Cyrus having a smoothly dark face. The actual mention of it isn't strange. Just the context.

The choking part is one of the few that I do think is wrong. Maybe that's because of a difference in native-language. To me this would seem right:
Cyrus started to choke and dropped his blade.
I expected he'd start to choke first before dropping his sword. But now I do see how this sentence works.

Hakan of course, not wanting to suffocate the boy, released him.
I just thought 'obviously' made more sense than 'of course'.

The 'You' one wasn't a spelling error [though I did see it], it was this: You already mentioned earlier something about Cyrus and his stance being flawed. Hakan remarks this in a way as if he has only just observed it, instead of acknowladging his previous statement.
[Though before we actually begin I'd like to have a look at your stance. I've always believed that's pretty much the basic beginning for any fighter.]

I don't have a problem with the need of the militiamen to have someone of a higher rank. It's just that I don't see how this would add to the experience of the reader. I didn't find it a necessary statement.

But after that we need to have a long talk, about the Forbear and why I fight for them. It's something I've been meaning to talk to you about actually.
The second sentence is something that you could already deduce from the one before it. It might not be entirely unnecessary, but the word 'actually' implies to me that Harkan is completely oblivious to what he previously said.

'as to' = about. Maybe it means the same thing, but I though 'about' would sound better.

During the session of training Hakan was able to show Cyrus a more effective stance, as well as parrying an offensive attack, something that Cyrus still wasn't good at. Take another look at this sentence, 'how to' does need to be added. Unless parrying an offensive attack is a [??] in itself.

Yes, the cheering part was stupid. Still I really would like to know his age? His sister is married to Hakan, so I don't know.. Just how old is he? [I didn't see the age in 'The Dinner'.]

'Make your own personal judgement'. I just don't think a personal judgement is something you would 'make'.

I dissagree about the dialogue part. I think it doesn't read like a spoken sentence. Following a rule that spoken sentences are usually as short as possible, and don't include too many commas.


Now I do see what you meant earlier, I made quite a few mistakes.. I'd say perhaps 5% of what I said was actually productive. Most of my comments were purely subjective and you could use a more objective look than what I gave. I have absolutely no problem when someone dissagrees with me. After re-reading I do see what most of my mistakes were. So from now on I will do a better job keeping those things in mind.

Other than that, I would still like to know what kind of critique you are looking for. [Not stuff like grammar and spelling errors.]

[redsrock]

The critique I look for is just basically anything you can find, whether it's grammer, dialogue, fighting, etc. It doesn't matter as long as it helps, you know? I'm not even near perfect in any department so there's always room to learn.

[Gnomey]

I'd actually say hat "make your own personal judgment" is redundants. You own judgement is your personal judgement. But that isn't really an error. (I see it a lot, especially in dialogue). Anyway, I'm not really sure about the part where Hakan says point blank that he wants to tell Cyrus about the Forebears. Cyrus never was interested in politics, and if Hakan delivers his intentions point-blank like that I also think that he would disagree out of respect for his father. I think that the part where Hakan attacked the Crown soldiers was much closer to how he would approach it than going with a direct approach. The way you wrote it also works, of course, but I seems like a bit too much of a risk for Hakan.

Also, I hope that you intentionally made Hakan say that the Forebears wanted to fight the Imperials while the Crowns were more pacifistic, because that's the exact opposite of what was happening and Hakan would probably find it difficult to explain the Forebear ways if he describes the Forebears as having the Crown opinion. The Forebears wanted to live peacefully with the other denizens of Tamriel. The Crowns, however, felt threatened by the Empire and were against any and all alliances. This made the Forebears angry enough for them to want to overthrow the Thassad II. The Forebears actually allied with the Empire during the rebellion, and apparently had no idea that the Empire would use that alliance to their advantage until they ended up being subjects to it. If I were Hakan, I'd rather talk about the cruelty and stupidity of the Na Totambu than mentioning the Empire.

[redsrock]

Oh man, I really messed up then. I'll have to go back and edit...

[redsrock]

Okay, here's an edited version. I tweaked the latter part of the conversation between Cyrus and Kambuja, and hopefully it will look better to you all. I think I did alright this time, but if there's something else you feel is awkward just let me know.


Cyrus the Restless and the teachings of Hakan
by Redsrock

Hello there, it's Verick Gelvine again with another tale involving the famous Cyrus the Restless! This particular story begins one day after the dinner, in which Cyrus had finally persuaded Hakan to teach him some of his sword tricks he had learned while training the Forbear militia. For anyone who wishes to catch up with the events that taken place up to this particular story, I would advise them to read Cyrus the Restless and the Rendezvous with Hakan and Iszara, a wonderful tale found in many bookstores throughout Hammerfell.

Cyrus was sitting at the steps of an abandoned shack looking out at the docks of the city, the gold earring on his left ear glimmering in the rays of the sun. He was unaware of Hakan's presence just a few feet behind him because he was too busy daydreaming, staring at the boat captain Tobias and his crew of sailors and wishing he was there to join them. He was bored from working at the harbor, and longed for a more adventurous life.

Hakan carefully placed his hand on Cyrus' shoulder, who in return immediatly grabbed for his saber out of sheer instinct. "Eager to fight I see," Hakan said with a laugh, his long black hair waving in the strong winds coming from the sea. "All in good time, Cyrus."

"Sorry, Hakan," Cyrus replied bashfully. Then he grabbed and began rubbing his earring, something he often did when embarrassed or in deep thought. "Thanks again for coming."

"There's no need for thanks. I told you yesterday I didn't mind doing this, and I wasn't lying. Though before we actually begin I'd like to have a look at your stance. I've always believed that's the basic beginning for any fighter."

Both of them stood up from the steps walked into the ally to their left, where there was open space to move about. Cyrus unsheathed his saber and readied himself into his stance, his saber held out in front firmly in his right hand and his left arm hanging behind. He had his right leg bent a little, and his left foot was hanging back just as his left arm was.

"Firstly, you're holding onto your saber the wrong way," Hakan chuckled while he helped Cyrus move around. "You don't want such a tight grip on your sword, Cyrus. It is much easier on you if you hold it more loosely. It's alright to have a nice grip to hold it steady, but you're knuckles are starting to turn white!"

Cyrus loosened his grip a bit as Hakan continued. "Secondly, your feet are wrong as well. You don't want your front leg bent, that's for your back leg since you will be using it to lunge and whatnot. Keep your front leg stiff, but not too much."

"But this is what one of the Crown soldiers taught me how to fight when-"

Hakan laughed loudly and said, "That was your first mistake, Cyrus...listening to a Crown soldier. Why do you think they don't wish to go to war?" Cyrus shrugged his shoulders and waiting for Hakan. "Because they are afraid, for one, but that doesn't matter right now. Come, try and strike me."

"Huh?" Cyrus asked, not sure if he heard Hakan right.

"I said strike at me with your saber..."

"What if I hit you?" he asked with a surprised look about his smoothly dark face.

Hakan grinned while getting into his own stance. "Just do it."

So Cyrus nervously swing his saber at Hakan, who easily spun around and side stepped to the left. While Cyrus arm was still extended Hakan quickly grabbed it and wrapped it around Cyrus' neck, now having him in a firm choke hold. Cyrus started to choke and he immediatly dropped his sword. Hakan of course, not wanting to suffocate the boy, released him.

"You stance is greatly flawed, Cyrus, and now I find myself not wanting to leave you in such a state. I think I'll stay around a bit longer. The militiamen don't even need me today. Besides, Rinosa is there to help them if they need it."

"So you'll stick around?" Cyrus asked, having finally caught his breath.

"Of course. I'll show you a few more moves, but after that we need to have a long talk, about the Forbear and why I fight for them. It's something I've been meaning to talk to you about actually. I can see the raw talent you have, but right now it is vastly undeveloped, mostly in part because of the Crown I believe, and your father as well. I don't mean that in a bad way, but Kambuja doesn't think rationally sometimes..."

Cyrus wasn't sure what to say. He knew his father wouldn't like him talking to Hakan about such things, but also Cyrus was curious as to what Hakan had to say. This was mostly in part because of his youth and not caring about the political variants between the Crown and Forbear sides.

"Sure, thanks, Hakan. I appreciate it." Hakan smiled proudly and the two went back to work.

About an hour later the two stopped with the physical training, their shirts and faces drenched in sweat. During the session of training Hakan was able to show Cyrus a more effective stance, as well as how to parry an offensive attack, something that Cyrus still wasn't good at. Now the two of them were sitting back on the steps.

"You made a lot of progress, but you still have a long way to go," Hakan barely breathed, even he still fatigued from the training. It was a blistering hot day after all. "But it was fun, and I wouldn't mind doing this everyday if you're willing."

"That'd be great, Hakan!" Cyrus cheered. "Thank you so much!"

Hakan grinned that same grin he'd used hundreds of times, mostly during his acting days. Before joining up with the Forbear militia he had been an actor for Kambuja's many plays. "Your welcome, Cyrus. Now, there's something I'd like to tell you, Cyrus, but I'm not exactly how to put it. You are already well aware of my stance with Forbear. I realize you are still young, but do you at least have a general idea of why the Crown and Forbear have be conflicting with one another?"

"I'm not really sure, but I know it has something to do with the Empire and the Imperials."

"Yes, you are on the right path. The Empire is no farther from us than Sancre Tor, and even the Nordic kings are starting to bend to them. An alliance with the Empire is just what Hammerfell needs, I only wish that your father and the other Crows would realize this as well. But no, King Thassad and his people think we should resist Imperial rule, rather than embrace it."

"But I don't understand, Hakan," Cyrus interrupted, "Why should we let the Imperials rule us?"

"They wouldn't be ruling us, Cyrus," Hakan said with a laugh. "It would be an alliance, something that would only make us stronger in times of war, which you and I know both know are bound to happen sooner later. King Thassad and the Crown believe in the Na-Totambu way, but it is wrong. The resistance against the Empire is only hampering Hammerfell's progression with the rest of Tamriel."

"This is still very confusing," Cyrus said, rubbing his earring once again. "I think I understand what you're trying to say, and I guess I would agree with it. Why wouldn't the Crown want to ally with such a powerful and large province?"

Hakan sighed. This was the part he ad worried about. He didn't want to actually go into detail why the Crown wished to resist an alliance, simply because he didn't want to disrespect Cyrus' father for his views. "It's complicated, I'll say that. And rather than tell you my own beliefs I'll leave you with this book to read. It explains why secession from King Thassad is necessary and why Na-Totambu traditions are no longer valid. Study them closely and we'll meet here again tomorrow at the same time."

Then he patted the boy on the head and walked away before Cyrus had a chance to respond. After Hakan had disappeared out of the alley, Cyrus looked at the book cover it. It was a burnt orange, and three faces painted on. Cyrus didn't recognize any of them, but that didn't matter to him. He was suddenly curious about all the politics and couldn't wait to start reading the book. Though he knew he'd have to read it in privacy, for fear of angering his Crown father.

*********************

Later on that night Cyrus was in his room, reading the books Cyrus had given him, when out of nowhere his father opened the door from the hallway and stepped through. "What are you reading, son?" he asked.

Cyrus was worried his father would become angry with him if he knew what he was reading, so he attempted to shrug it off as normal everyday reading. "Nothing really, just something I started to look at today."

Kambuja started to walk towards his desk so Cyrus quickly put the books away in the drawer of his desk. "I'm getting sleepy, father, I think I'll go to bed now," he said slyly, but nothing could get past wise Kambuja.

Kambuja's face became red with anger, though as always he stayed calm. "Let me see the books, son."

This is the end of the tale. The events taking place with Kambuja and Cyrus will continue in Cyrus the Restless and the confrontation with Kambuja.

[pacificmorrowind]

Looks Great! only error I can see:
"Hakan carefully placed his hand on Cyrus' shoulder, who in return immediatly grabbed for his saber out of sheer extinct."

extinct is as in dinosaurs are no longer here, it should be instinct.

Looks like a great story though.
Pacific Morrowind

[redsrock]

Dang, I thought I already edited that. Thanks.

[Nanu]

Definitely make these books part of a series by a non-Hammerfell resident.

[redsrock]

I edited the first-person narrative of the Edited Version to fit the character/author that I'm currently creating.

[Haplo]

This series, is it going to be "Cyrus the Restless, Vol I-X", with each of these stories in a different volume?

[redsrock]

Yeah, that would work. Each story is a separate volume with a different title. Sorry, I should have made that clear in the beginning.

EDIT: Also, here's an edited version, which hopefully ends up being the final version as well. There aren't any major changes, just a few grammer edits...


Cyrus the Restless and the teachings of Hakan
by Redsrock

Hello there, it's Verick Gelvine again with another tale involving the famous Cyrus the Restless! This particular story begins one day after the dinner, in which Cyrus had finally persuaded Hakan to teach him some of his sword tricks he had learned while training the Forbear militia. For anyone who wishes to catch up with the events that taken place up to this particular story, I would advise them to read Cyrus the Restless and the Rendezvous with Hakan and Iszara, a wonderful tale found in many bookstores throughout Hammerfell.

Cyrus was sitting at the steps of an abandoned shack looking out at the docks of the city, the gold earring on his left ear glimmering in the rays of the sun. He was unaware of Hakan's presence just a few feet behind him because he was too busy daydreaming, staring at the boat captain Tobias and his crew of sailors and wishing he was there to join them. He was bored from working at the harbor, and longed for a more adventurous life.

Hakan carefully placed his hand on Cyrus' shoulder, who in return immediatly grabbed for his saber out of sheer instinct. "Eager to fight I see," Hakan said with a laugh, his long black hair waving in the strong winds coming from the sea. "All in good time, Cyrus."

"Sorry, Hakan," Cyrus replied bashfully. Then he grabbed and began rubbing his earring, something he often did when embarrassed or in deep thought. "Thanks again for coming."

"There's no need for thanks. I told you yesterday I didn't mind doing this, and I wasn't lying. Though before we actually begin I'd like to have a look at your stance. I've always believed that's the basic beginning for any fighter."

Both of them stood up from the steps walked into the ally to their left, where there was open space to move about. Cyrus unsheathed his saber and readied himself into his stance, his saber held out in front firmly in his right hand and his left arm hanging behind. He had his right leg bent a little, and his left foot was hanging back just as his left arm was.

"Firstly, you're holding onto your saber the wrong way," Hakan chuckled while he helped Cyrus move around. "You don't want such a tight grip on your sword, Cyrus. It is much easier on you if you hold it more loosely. It's alright to have a nice grip to hold it steady, but you're knuckles are starting to turn white!"

Cyrus loosened his grip a bit as Hakan continued. "Secondly, your feet are wrong as well. You don't want your front leg bent, that's for your back leg since you will be using it to lunge and whatnot. Keep your front leg stiff, but not too much."

"But this is what one of the Crown soldiers taught me how to fight when-"

Hakan laughed loudly and said, "That was your first mistake, Cyrus...listening to a Crown soldier. Why do you think they don't wish to go to war?" Cyrus shrugged his shoulders and waiting for Hakan. "Because they are afraid, for one, but that doesn't matter right now. Come, try and strike me."

"Huh?" Cyrus asked, not sure if he heard Hakan right.

"I said strike at me with your saber..."

"What if I hit you?" he asked with a surprised look about his smoothly dark face.

Hakan grinned while getting into his own stance. "Just do it."

So Cyrus nervously swung his saber at Hakan, who easily spun around and side stepped to the left. While Cyrus arm was still extended Hakan quickly grabbed it and wrapped it around Cyrus' neck, now having him in a firm choke hold. Cyrus started to choke and he immediatly dropped his sword. Hakan of course, not wanting to suffocate the boy, released him.

"You stance is greatly flawed, Cyrus, and now I find myself not wanting to leave you in such a state. I think I'll stay around a bit longer. The militiamen don't even need me today. Besides, Rinosa is there to help them if they need it."

"So you'll stick around?" Cyrus asked, having finally caught his breath.

"Of course. I'll show you a few more moves, but after that we need to have a long talk, about the Forbear and why I fight for them. It's something I've been meaning to talk to you about actually. I can see the raw talent you have, but right now it is vastly undeveloped, mostly in part because of the Crown I believe, and your father as well. I don't mean that in a bad way, but Kambuja doesn't think rationally sometimes..."

Cyrus wasn't sure what to say. He knew his father wouldn't like him talking to Hakan about such things, but also Cyrus was curious as to what Hakan had to say. This was mostly in part because of his youth and not caring about the political variants between the Crown and Forbear sides.

"Sure, thanks, Hakan. I appreciate it." Hakan smiled proudly and the two went back to work.

About an hour later the two stopped with the physical training, their shirts and faces drenched in sweat. During the session of training Hakan was able to show Cyrus a more effective stance, as well as how to parry an offensive attack, something that Cyrus still wasn't good at. Now the two of them were sitting back on the steps.

"You made a lot of progress, but you still have a long way to go," Hakan barely breathed, even he still fatigued from the training. It was a blistering hot day after all. "But it was fun, and I wouldn't mind doing this everyday if you're willing."

"That'd be great, Hakan!" Cyrus cheered. "Thank you so much!"

Hakan grinned that same grin he'd used hundreds of times, mostly during his acting days. Before joining up with the Forbear militia he had been an actor for Kambuja's many plays. "Your welcome, Cyrus. Now, there's something I'd like to tell you, Cyrus, but I'm not exactly how to put it. You are already well aware of my stance with Forbear. I realize you are still young, but do you at least have a general idea of why the Crown and Forbear have be conflicting with one another?"

"I'm not really sure, but I know it has something to do with the Empire and the Imperials."

"Yes, you are on the right path. The Empire is no farther from us than Sancre Tor, and even the Nordic kings are starting to bend to them. An alliance with the Empire is just what Hammerfell needs, I only wish that your father and the other Crows would realize this as well. But no, King Thassad and his people think we should resist Imperial rule, rather than embrace it."

"But I don't understand, Hakan," Cyrus interrupted, "Why should we let the Imperials rule us?"

"They wouldn't be ruling us, Cyrus," Hakan said with a laugh. "It would be an alliance, something that would only make us stronger in times of war, which you and I know both know are bound to happen sooner later. King Thassad and the Crown believe in the Na-Totambu way, but it is wrong. The resistance against the Empire is only hampering Hammerfell's progression with the rest of Tamriel."

"This is still very confusing," Cyrus said, rubbing his earring once again. "I think I understand what you're trying to say, and I guess I would agree with it. Why wouldn't the Crown want to ally with such a powerful and large province?"

Hakan sighed. This was the part he ad worried about. He didn't want to actually go into detail why the Crown wished to resist an alliance, simply because he didn't want to disrespect Cyrus' father for his views. "It's complicated, I'll say that. And rather than tell you my own beliefs I'll leave you with this book to read. It explains why secession from King Thassad is necessary and why Na-Totambu traditions are no longer valid. Study our morals and values closely and we'll meet here again tomorrow at the same time."

Then he patted the boy on the head and walked away before Cyrus had a chance to respond. After Hakan had disappeared out of the alley, Cyrus looked at the book cover it. It was a burnt orange, and with three faces painted on it. Cyrus didn't recognize any of them, but that didn't matter to him. He was suddenly curious about all the politics and couldn't wait to start reading the book. Though he knew he'd have to read it in privacy, for fear of angering his Crown father.

*********************

Later on that night Cyrus was in his room, reading the book Cyrus had given him, when out of nowhere his father opened the door from the hallway and stepped through. "What are you reading, son?" he asked.

Cyrus was worried his father would become angry with him if he knew what he was reading, so he attempted to shrug it off as normal everyday reading. "Nothing really, just something I started to look at today."

Kambuja started to walk towards his desk so Cyrus quickly put the book away in the drawer of his desk. "I'm getting sleepy, father, I think I'll go to bed now," he said slyly, but nothing could get past wise Kambuja.

Kambuja's face became red with anger, though as always he stayed calm. "Let me see the book, son."

This is the end of the tale. The events taking place with Kambuja and Cyrus will continue in Cyrus the Restless and the confrontation with Kambuja.

[Gnomey]

You missed one: "So Cyrus nervously swing his saber at Hakan".

That should be swung.

[redsrock]

You missed one: "So Cyrus nervously swing his saber at Hakan". That should be swung.

Thank you, it's been fixed.