ZDawg's Literature Showcase

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ZDawg
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ZDawg's Literature Showcase

Post by ZDawg »

Hey guys! Pretty sure this is the right place for this, but if not feel free to correct/redirect me. Here's my first piece. It's an essay about slavery in Tamriel, as the name would imply. This is my first submission here, but please feel free to criticise as much as you can, as long as it's in a constructive manner. For those of you with a Microsoft Word I have provided a file-version which may be a bit easier to read. Anyways, without further delay, here is my piece!! :)

EDIT: Changed a few words and phrasing of a few sentences. Changes were made only to this version, not the downloadable. The subject matter and feeling of the work is the same either way, the changes were purely aesthetic.
************************************************************



An Inquiry into the Nature of Existence
An Essay on Slavery
By Ra’Vasa

It has always been a philosophy of mine that there are two very fine lines that define who you are as a being. One line exists between a machine and a man. The other line lies between a man and a monster. A machine is an object lacking a conscience entirely, a device used to perform menial tasks without objection or thought, nor the capability of either. No living, breathing being, in my eyes, can posses the traits of a machine. Even the most mundane and conformist of beings carry with them a soul, a conscience and a set of moral codes. Machines depend on men, and men depend only on themselves and their morality, and therein lies the key difference between a man and a machine.

But what, then, defines a man from a monster? Monsters, as men, are living, breathing beings. Have they not a soul? Certainly they do! And certainly monsters also have a conscience with a set of moral codes, no? Of course! They must, it is a law of nature that they must! Animals even contain within them a spirit, and so too must monsters, they must, they must!

The similarities between a monster and a man are striking. Shocking. Appalling! Even so, would a man willingly commit atrocities against his fellow men, mer, so-called beastmen, or otherwise? Most certainly not! Even animals have a conscience I say, animals! No, men certainly would become too disgusted with their acts of cruelty towards their kin, and their consciences would break them down into a state of bitter regret over their terrible deeds.

Herein rests the primary difference between a man and a monster. A monster’s conscience – which does exist somewhere in their soul, I affirm in you this fact – is so terribly dilute, and irreparibly contorted, that they even have the ability to willingly, and quite consciously, be malevolent towards beings that they may have otherwise come to call their equals, their friends and their brothers.

Which delivers me precisely to my purpose. The existing slavers of Tamriel – namely those of Morrowind, but also hidden in every province, even here in Hammerfell – are not men. No, not men at all! Quite the contrary, quite the contrary! Slavers are man’s vile and disgusting counterpart. Slavers have no regard for the life of any being, least of all those of fellow men, and mer and so-called beastmen! Slavers are nothing more than blighted, pitiful monsters.

Another philosophy of mine is that men themselves create the aforementioned monsters. Not only men, but mer as well! Even my own Khajiiti kin, my friends and family, play a role in the creation of these abominations of society. Society, yes, that is exactly where the root of all evils can be dug up! Men of society never fail to create monsters. And, as it has become known to me, it is in the nature of every monster to destroy their creator, who I dare say may even be you yourself, the reader of this very essay.

It has been seen time and time again. A small trace of monster is to be found within us all. Yet, the tiniest hole in the seem of a sheet may become a terrible, gaping tear if the sower becomes too negligent. The people of Tamriel have been too negligent, and now the rip in our cloth is so inconceivably vast, I fear it may even be too late to mend or patch the hole.

It has been seen over and over. Monster killing creator. Creator becoming monster. Monster becoming creator of yet another monster, and so on. It’s a disease, I say, a disease! A sickness, a plague, a virus reaching out and touching society in all its extremities! And what is the best way to treat a disease? To let it slowly work its way out of the system? To occasionally administer medicine to the outermost, smallest outbreaks? To think so is an outrage! Of course, the only way to effectively treat such a cancerous pandemic is to create a cure for the masses! Administer medicine directly to the source of the disease, and continue to administer it until the symptoms are gone, entirely without a trace!

The disease of which I speak is the slavery of not only my own kin, but also men and mer around Tamriel, and around Nirn. The disease of which I speak is bigotry, negligence, immorality and ignorance combined. We cannot sweep this dirt under the carpet any longer, my dear people, we cannot allow this great hole to widen, we cannot fall prey to a vicious and merciless monster.

You, the readers, are not machines. I have proved so myself! You are not under any control other than that of your own morality. Is my cause not one of moral justification? Do you not posses the free will to help me in my cause? Waiting for Tamriel to grow out of the traditions of its adolescence is not the solution to the malignant cyst that is slavery today. If there is one lesson I have learned from my time on Nirn, it is that no manner of freedom can be expected by anyone. No manner of freedom is ever given without a cost. No, freedom is something you have to take on your own. Freedom is something you have to fight for.
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An Inquiry into the Nature of Existence.doc
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Last edited by ZDawg on Sat Mar 07, 2009 3:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm not like them
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fstony
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Post by fstony »

Sounds pretty good. Here's some food for thought.

Mispellings:
Do you not posses
can posses the traits
and irreparibly contorted, [is it really necessary to use this word at all?]

sewer, not sower becomes too negligent; sailmaker or seamstress might be even better.

Even the most mundane and conformist of beings sounds redundant and weak.

defines a man from unusual use of "defines," but it works for me.

I'm no loremaster, so I'm only asking: does it make sense for a Khajiit expatriate to spend a lot of time drawing lines between "men" and monsters when he seems to think of "men" as what we would think of as the human races? What do the cat people tend to do with this word in the existing lore?
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ZDawg
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Post by ZDawg »

I'll keep those suggestions in mind when I edit it (which will happen a bit later.)

As for the matter of lore, I myself struggled a bit with that very question. I searched all the Lore I could about Elswyr and Khajiiti culture. I probably overlooked something, but I couldn't find any term used to define Khajiiti and Argonian races other than beastmen, cat men, etc.

I guess I'll have to do some more research on that topic. What do Kahjiits and Argonians reguard as "men?" Feel free to discuss that question. :P

Anyways, thanks for the feedback. I already formulated a questline to go along with this, and I must say, the plot is pretty riveting. And I'm rarely one to praise my own work. :lol:
I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
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The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Maybe just happy...
SpartanPride
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Post by SpartanPride »

Hey - nice stuff :P

Are you a Nirvana fan by any chance?
Watch me as I cut myself wide open on this stage, yes I am paid to spill my guts ~ Brand New
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ZDawg
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Post by ZDawg »

Yeah. They're my favorite band! :D

Thanks for the reply.
I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Maybe just happy...
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Post by ZDawg »

So... that's it? I thought there would be a few more posts, but that's fine. Is Nanu Ra (I hope I said that correctly) on often? I'd like to get his/her opinion on this before I make my edits. Actually, I would just like more opinions in general before I make edits. Mor efficient that way.
I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Maybe just happy...
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Post by fstony »

Give him a week to post a response. If he hasn't posted by then, send a private message requesting a review.

To be honest, you may want to use this time to buff up a backup skill, like interiors or concept art.
"There is but one coward on earth, and that is the coward that dare not know."
â€â€￾ W.E.B. DuBois
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Post by Nanu »

Bold are corrections.
Italics are what I think should be struck out for flow.
Underlines are for suggestions.

An Inquiry into the Nature of Existence
An Essay on Slavery
By Ra’Vasa

It has always been a philosophy of mine that there are two very fine lines that define who you are as a being. One line exists between a man and a machine. The other line lies between a man and a monster. A machine is an object lacking a conscience entirely: a device used to perform menial tasks without objection or thought, nor the capability of either. No living, breathing being, in my eyes, can posses the traits of a machine. Even the most mundane and conformist of beings carry with them a soul, a conscience, and a set of moral codes. Machines depend on men, andwhereas men depend only on themselves and their morality:, and therein lies the key difference between a man and a machine.

But wWhat then defines a man from a monster? Monsters, as men, are living, breathing beings. Have they not a soul? Certainly they do! And certainly monsters also have a conscience with a set of moral codes, no? Of coursethey do as well! They must, it is a law of nature that they must! Animals even contain within them a spirit, and so too must monsters, they must, they must!

The similarities between a monster and a man are striking, shocking, and appalling! Even so, would a man willingly commit atrocities against his fellow men, mer, so-called beastmen, or otherwise? Most certainly not! Even animals have a conscience I say, animals! No, men certainly would become too disgusted with their acts of cruelty towards their kin, and their consciences would break them down into a state of bitter regret over their terrible deeds.

Herein rests the primary difference between a man and a monster. A monster’s conscience – which does exist somewhere in their soul, I affirm in you this fact – is so terribly dilute, and irreparably contorted that they even have the ability to willingly, and quite consciously, be malevolent towards beings that they may have otherwise come to call their equals, their friends, and their brothers.

Which deliversbrings me precisely to my purpose. The existing slavers of Tamriel – namely those of Morrowind, but also hidden in every province, even here in Hammerfell – are not men. No, not men at all: quite the contrary, quite the contrary! Slavers are man’s vile and disgusting counterpart. Slavers have no regard for the life of any being, least of all those of fellow men, and mer and so-called beastmen! Slavers are nothing more than blighted, pitiful monsters.

Another philosophy of mine is that men themselves create the aforementioned monsters. Not only men, but mer as well! Even my own Khajiiti kin, my friends and family, play a role in the creation of these abominations of society. Society: yes, that is exactly where the root of all evils can be dug up! Men of society never fail to create monsters. And, as it has become known to me, it is in the nature of every monster to destroy their creator, who I dare say may even be you yourself, the reader of this very essay.

It has been seen time and time again: a small trace of monster is to be found within us all. Yet, the tiniest hole in the seem of a sheet may become a terrible, gaping tear if the sower becomes too negligent. The people of Tamriel have been too negligent, and now the rip in our cloth is so inconceivably vast, I fear it may even be too late to mend or patch the hole.

It has been seen over and over: monster killing creator; creator becoming monster; monster becoming creator of yet another monster, and so on. It’s a disease, I say, a disease! a sickness, a plague, a virus reaching out and touching society in all its extremities! And what is the best way to treat a disease? To let it slowly work its way out of the system? To occasionally administer medicine to the outermost, smallest outbreaks? To think so is an outrage! Of course, the only way to effectively treat such a cancerous pandemic is to create a cure for the masses! Administer medicine directly to the source of the disease, and continue to administer it until the symptoms are gone, entirely without a trace!

The disease of which I speak is the slavery of not only my own kin, but also men and mer around Tamriel, and around Nirn. The disease of which I speak is bigotry, negligence, immorality, and ignorance combined. We cannot sweep this dirt under the carpet any longer, my dear people, we cannot allow this great hole to widen, we cannot fall prey to a vicious and merciless monster.

You, the readers, are not machines. I have proved so myself! You are not under any control other than that of your own morality. Is my cause not one of moral justification? Do you not posses the free will to help me in my cause? Waiting for Tamriel to grow out of the traditions of its adolescence is not the solution to the malignant cyst that is slavery today. If there is one lesson I have learned from my time on Nirn, it is that no manner of freedom can be expected by anyone. No manner of freedom is ever given without a cost. No, freedom is something you have to take on your own. Freedom is something you have to fight for.
"You can remove spells from your list in Morrowind. I think it was shift-click, don't quote me on that though." - Cathartis
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Post by Nanu »

A few tips after reviewing your writing, and it may also help you understand why I corrected what I did:
  • You seem to have a fetish for commas. While not uncommon for writers to use them in excess, they should never be used after the word "then."
  • Try to avoid referencing the reader directly if at all possible, even if the article is trying to talk to the reader. Using general groups like "one" works just fine.
  • Using long, complicated sentence structures with lots of commas is hard to read. If there are more than four commas in your sentence and it doesn't contain a list you need to seperate it up using periods, semicolons, or colons depending on the situation.
  • If a sentence comes after a sentence it directly references, you should use a semicolon to separate them - for example:

    Code: Select all

    The dog barked at the moon. It was a white, misty moon.
    In that sentence, the two sentences are related. While a semicolon would work, there is almost always a better way to just rewrite the related phrase.
  • NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER reference the essay inside of the essay it is referring to. Never do that. Not ever. It is extremely bad form in any writing ever.
That's pretty much all I have on your writing. I'm not a big fan of the exclamation point, nor do I like the conversationalist tone your essay took. That's my personal preference, though. :)

You have a solid understanding of the English language and a good, logical head about you in your writing. I'd like to see something more obscure talked about in an essay for your next one, preferably dealing with Hammerfell. Knock my socks off and I'll get you that promotion for writing. :)

As a personal aside, you may wish to buff up on interiors or concept art, as per my post in [url=http://tamriel-rebuilt.org/old_forum/viewtopic.php?t=16311]this thread[/url].

Good luck and happy writing! I hope that my pointers help you along your trek in the universe of ES writing. :D
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Post by ZDawg »

Awesome! Thanks a ton for the response! I'll take those suggestions into consideration when I revise this piece.

Like I stated earlier, this would pertain to Hammerfell because of a quest I also plan to write, and if I can get some time to learn Oblivion's construction set I will likely create the quest myself.

I do have a fetish for commas. This was spawned in me largely by novels such as Frankenstein, Heart of Darkness, and Crime and Punishment, which use commas almost in excess. I like to write in two ways. The first is short, blunt and to the point... I typically use this in scenes that are particularly sardonic, biting, intense or just all around edgy. The other way I like to write, as you have seen, involves long and winded descriptions, obviously with a lot of commas.

Anyways, I guess I'm rambling. What topic would you suggest/would you like to see next? Let me know and I'll get right on it (as soon as I'm over this dreadful illness I've had for over two weeks.) Otherwise I suppose I'll buff up on Hammerfell-related Lore and write some material.

Oh, and just as a comment on the "never reference any piece of writing within that piece itself." I probably just didn't do that well enough, but there are several classic novels that actually DO reference that very novel. THe same goes for addressing the reader. I didn't do it well, but there are some really great books that are written entirely in the second person view. Interesting stuff.

Have a good one.
I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Maybe just happy...
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Post by Nanu »

Not that he was ever sober enough to write an entire novel, but Poe actually did a good job at talking in 'second person.' I believe you misinterpreted what I said. I said in essays that are meant to be accepted by an academic community (as this one would be,) you shouldn't reference the essay itself. Appealing directly to the reader can be done, just not with the phrase 'dear reader.' Sorry, it just makes me sick. Probably just me, though.
"You can remove spells from your list in Morrowind. I think it was shift-click, don't quote me on that though." - Cathartis
|[url=http://tinyurl.com/mnbsqv]Forum Rules[/url]
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Post by Lady Nerevar »

English teachers of the world agree. in the end, its all up to personal style. authors get away with things that should not be done all the time, but if youre doing assignments to be graded or accepted into a body of work you have to do as youre told.
In hoc signo vinces

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Post by ZDawg »

Anything in particular you guys would like to see written about? Any suggested topics? If not, I suppose I'll just go at it on my own.
I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Maybe just happy...
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Post by Nanu »

I like to encourage TR writers to write on topics they're interested in; just mind the moratorium on Morrowind books.
"You can remove spells from your list in Morrowind. I think it was shift-click, don't quote me on that though." - Cathartis
|[url=http://tinyurl.com/mnbsqv]Forum Rules[/url]
|[url=http://tinyurl.com/mj594z]Moratorium[/url]
| [url=http://tinyurl.com/6msxag]Writing for TR[/url]
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Post by ZDawg »

Right. Well, I'm on Spring Break now.





....Which means I'll hopefully be writing a new piece for you all. ;)
I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Maybe just happy...
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Post by Haplo »

What's wrong with your first one?
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[06/19/2012 04:15AM] +Cat table stabbing is apparently a really popular sport in morrowind

[August 29, 2014 04:05PM] <+Katze> I am writing an IRC bot! :O
[August 29, 2014 04:25PM] *** Katze has quit IRC: Z-Lined
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Post by ZDawg »

Well, nothing I suppose. I'll fix it and make a new piece... hopefully... there, that better? :P
I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Maybe just happy...
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