can come up with a better title for this. It's about an out-of-touch Altmer going to a High Rock party where everything that can go wrong does go wrong. Anyway, enough chit-chat, on with the book:***
A Most Disappointing Party
by Ardarlunwe of Sunhold
I found the very notion of his invitation most horrible. Caradhayon, through an acquaintance in High Rock, had the most unpleasant honour of being invited to a party held by the nemer King of Wayrest. Naturally, Caradhayon found the offer most unappealing though he could not fathom being rude enough to reject, and he was resolved not to go through such an ordeal alone. Having most of his associates suddenly finding themselves important duties which would last for a month or two, he had come to my residence at the unusual time of fifteen minutes past three in the afternoon to personally ask for my companionship. Without any knowledge of the ulterior intentions of his visit, I found myself unable to remember any important duties I had which would unfortunately occur for the duration of the said party. As such I was inclined to agree. After leaving my residence, Caradhayon immediately sent message that he and I would be attending.
Having no understanding of the bizarrity of the nemer aristocracy, if one is allowed to be so crude as to use the honourable word to describe it, I conversed with Itertilar the Zoologist as to what to expect. He informed me that the food would most likely be of the poorest quality, the music would be of the most awful noise, and the attire of the beastial guests would fail miserably at appearing extravagant. He suggested that I ensure my Sound spells were exceptional and that I ensure to practice (the nerve!), that I be careful no neither eat nor drink anything other than what I bring with me, and that I show them true extravagance and style through my attire.
As I arrived at the pristine harbour to leave Alinor for the wild lands, word of my departure had reached an Ymga of the Valenwood who gifted to me a perfumed cloth, and a warning that men have a most unpleasant smell. Both Caradhayon and Itertilar had failed to mention this fact, and I admit I was most furious. I confronted Caradhayon who, instead of conversing about the fact, abruptly changed the subject to him having a heart attack. He then had the nerve to ask me to summon a healer for him. I told him that I would not, and that I would be most unpleasant with him for the trip. He wasted no time in clutching for his chest and falling dead. I could not believe that he would go as far as die to weasel out of attending the party, even worse was that he left me to go there alone.
The sail to Wayrest was most disastrous. The ship was of a poor Colovian design, and the captain was a brutish and unpresentable nemer by the name of Garius Assadumploodus, or something along those lines. When I walked onto the ship, he had the nerve to dare ask for my hand for assistance to get on the ship. When he caught me staring at his disfigured face (his face was most disfigured and hideous, and I could not help but observe it for a prolonged duration), he told that he gained his "scars" as he called them in war. The horrible brute. Worse still were the crew. All of them were nemer with sub-par manners. In the evening, they consumed wines from their own horrid homes, laughed and talked loudly, and played terrible musical instruments called the fiddle. I was most pleased when other nemer boarded the ship and killed them all. My good faith however went unrewarded when they then had the nerve to demand I gift them my jewels. I shamefully admit that I lost my temper at this point. When I finished with my fireball spell, the nemer were dead and the sailing vessel began to lose bouyancy. With other passengers, I had to move my luggage on to another boat which miraculously was placed next to ours with a plank for ease of access.
This second vessel was most insufferable. If the gods had taken such care as to give me another vessel, the least they could have done was make it adorable, painted white with gold leafing and encrusted jewels on the trims, perfumed, shaped like a swan, and complete with a crew of even the lowest species to work it. This boat was cramped, effluvial, and it lashed around with the waves. It took a lot of effort on my part to get all the other passengers to work the vessel. They were completely incompetent and useless, and they had no appreciation of how hard management was. The journey was taking far longer than expected. I informed them that I was a very important Altmer who was going to a party held by the King of Wayrest, and that I could not be tardy in arriving. The jeered at me, and said they had no food. I told them that they should have been prepared like me and brought their own, and that it was their own fault they were hungry. It was a week before we finally reached the Iliac Bay. By now, they were quite thin and demanding I give them some of my food. Despite my best efforts, they could not understand that a zoologist and a talking ape warned me that the food at the King's party would be unpalateable. One night, I awoke to find one rummaging through my belongings searching for food. After giving him a thundershock, the nemer were most obedient for the rest of the voyage.
Tell me what you think. I've got one really twisted idea ahead. I'll finish this later.
I think I'd laugh myself silly if I found this in-game in a altmer's house. Very good, I like it.
