Hey, nice work on the showcase. I like your characterisation of the Tong especially. You've given them a gritty, crime-drama feel. I do think that some of the dialogue needs tuning to cut out some repetition or awkward turns of phrase, but apart from some specific instances it's hard for me to give feedback on. So this is just a general note to always go back over all your dialogue with a fine-toothed comb to edit it for flow and readability. For the most part, though, the dialogue is good and doesn't need much editing. Specific notes to follow:

Topics

My missing associate:

• "I arrived in Hlan Oek..." You have both "hard to tell" and "hardly tell" in the same sentence, which doesn't read well.
• "I'll be sure to reward..." The last phrase is a comma splice, take a look at our style guide.
• "Have you found..." The second choice will show even if you never find out that Loryn was killed, and just go straight to talking to Rarys and then reject his offer. There's an implication that Rarys killed Loryn, but it might be better for the purposes of this choice making sense to alter Rarys' dialogue so he confesses to the murder when he attacks the player.
• "Get that scroll..." "mentioning" is a bit of an odd word choice in this dialogue. Also giving the scroll could afford to be a "Have you got that invisibility scroll I asked for?" Yes/No dialogue choice.

Loryn Harvys

• General note: filter the generic entries and the ones for quest side-characters to stop showing up after the quest is complete.
• "A drunken merchant..." that the deserved to get whatever came to him is a bit harsh, espeically since this will be filtered to other outlander NPCs. Maybe he was "asking for trouble".
• "Where have I heard..." This entry is missing a NotID filter for Drals Hler, meanng that his entry below will never fire. It also doesn't need the NotID filters - just put it below the unique entries for Indriri and Drals. Dialogue works by scanning from the top of the topic to find the first applicable entry, based on the filters.
• "Rarys dealt with..." another comma splice in this entry.

Hlarys Drethan

• Lots of comma splices.
• One entry uses %PCName and is filtered to everyone in the cell, so everyone in the cell knows PCName's name.
• Filter the general lines to Journal < 45

give his friend a similar gift

• This topic could have just been called "a similar gift."
• "Where Hlarys..." is filtered to Hlarys. I think it's supposed to be filtered to Rarys.

Greeting

• "How goes..." should use the topic phrase "my missing associate" rather than just "my associate".
• "Please, get that..." still says "Scroll of Divine Intervention" rather than "Scroll of Invisibility"

Journal

General note: this is a personal preference, but I like to have 10 as my first entry, and 100 as the first of my finished entries. No need to change the entries now, since that will require script edits, but I think it's a good practice to get into. It helps me remember what my different quest stages mean without having to refer back to the Journal page all the time.

Missing Associate 1

• Entry 45 says Hlarys was carried off, but if Rarys is dead the patrons tell you Hlarys was murdered on the spot.

Scripts

TR_m7_HlarysDrethan_sc

• Needs an OnDeath condition which sets a journal entry to complete the quest (which doesn't trigger if you've asked him to follow you, of course, because then you can end the quest by talking to Rarys).
• Should probably put something in here which stops him Hlarys from following you once you're in the Council Club. It's a bit weird if you can lead him there and then lead him back out.

TR_m7_RarysSadryn_sc

• You could potentially put something in here to Forcegreet when the player returns with Hlarys. Not necessary, but might help to up the pacing at the conclusion.